Wikipedia:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense A-M
We need a page where bad jokes and other deleted nonsense can rest in peace. So, here it is! [I'm half tempted to suggest keeping the jokes inline with the pages, as they must sorta give the encyclopedia some lively color. But I do know it'd just get carried away and turn into an encyclopedia of silliness, so look forward to frequent updates of this page. ;-) ] -- BryceHarrington
This page was so long that it has been broken into two sections. See also Wikipedia: Bad jokes and other deleted Nonsense N-Z
From Coleoptera: The most musical of the Insecta, Coleoptera are known for their tight, 4-part harmonizing and catchy melodies.
From Egyptian languages: A dead language that eventually not even Egyptians could read. The end.
From drummer: Someone who hangs out with musicians.
From funeral:
Funerals don't have to be expensive. They can be extremely cheap, and also environmentally sound. The best way to go is in a cardboard coffin, with a tree planted on top.
I think this conceivably was not intended as a joke
<warning - in bad taste> What about the "Feb 2002, Georgia Solution"?</warning - in bad taste>
From Cincinnati:
America's most liveable city.
Located on the Ohio River across from Kentucky.
Not an (intentional) joke. Cincinnati was rated the #1 place to live in the 1993 "Places Rated Almanac"
From Idiosyncratic:
My dad knew him.
From HareKrishna:
(For more on little-known religions' positions on sex, see BokoNonism.)
From English language:
A quick guide for those living in the United States - Colour is spelt with a 'u', Aluminium has 5 syllables, and Encyclopaedia does indeed have an 'a' in it. In addition, sulphur is not spelt with a 'f', foetus has an 'o', and 'organisation' is indeed spelt with an 's', as are many other words you spell with a 'z' (which is incidentally a 'zed', not a 'zee'), and it's "spelt," not "spelled." And if you can't use apostrophes correctly, *learn*. It's not hard. Plurals don't need them, normal possessives do, contractions do, 'its' as a posessive doesn't. Thank you. --- well, actually, I'm not partial to either spelling of sulphur, but the scientific community spells it with an 'f', so I suppose we're stuck with it. and to quote dave barry badly, "the apostrophe is used to warn the reader that an 's' is coming up, as in 'Try our hot dog's.'"
says who? Can't languages evolve? I don't see you spelling like Shakespeare...
- And even though I agree with most of the above, "fetus" is a latinate root, not a greek one, so the "foetus" spelling is not etymologically justified.
Foetus is a genuine Latin word. So, however, is foedus--it means a contract or agreement--whence our word federal (once foederal). "Organisation," though, doesn't have etymological backing, at least according to the OED: all those -ize/-ise words come from the Greek -zein, which was always spelt with a zeta. The rest of England doesn't care, of course.
From AustriA:
Austrians are known as the best lovers worldwide. Ha ha ha! You mean that's not an objective fact?! :-) Ever been to Austria?? Then you'll know what I mean;-)
From Actors:
Q: How do you make a little box?
A: With little boards. ;-)
What do you mean by 'little box'?
From LoGic:
The ultimate goal of logic is to show nothing can be proved.
From Abraham Lincoln:
Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theater. John F. Kennedy was shot in a Ford Lincoln. Gerald Ford was shot at, but they missed.
Bad Bread Joke
Jonny went in to the bakers & asked for a loaf of bread.
Baker; "White or brown"
Jonny; "It doesn't matter, I'm on my bike."
From Agnostida:
Trilobita that aren't entirely sure whether or not God exists. Just kidding.
From Cryptozoologoy:
Cryptozoology studies such "hidden", undiscovered and possibly non-existent creatures as the bigfoot, what happens when a sock disappears from the washing machine, (cf. Patterson-Gimlin film) and the Loch Ness Monster.
From Cannabis:
"balls for president"
From New World Order:
Hitler is not dead. The Germans cloned him just before he "died". Hitler and the new world order are behind this. Also, There are some new additions to the New World Order. These new additions are Mousillini, Stalin, Feidel Castro, Atillia the Hun, Genghis Kahn, and Sadam Husein. --Note- Atillia and Genghis Khan are the decendants of the original people-- they hijacked the planes that hit the world trade center and the Pentagon.
From Larry Sanger/The art of Wikipedia weeding:
TRANSMISSION FROM THE YEAR 2007: STANDBY FOR TIME MOVEMENT:
Weeding was generally thought to be the first indication that Wikipedia would lose its free form nature and become moderated by a small knit circle of fascists willing to impose their own intellectual aesthetic on others, much like Slashdot.
Although this increased the consistency of the site and decreased the number of punctuation and spelling errors, a small and militant minority noticed the decrease in the intellectual diversity of the entries, and went on to form it's own splinter group, Shittipedia.
By 2005, Wikipedia had become an incorporated entity and was bought out by Westinghouse for 35 million dollars, making many of it's key authors very wealthy, while simultaneously alientating tens of thousands of miscreants, ne'er do wells, and other undesirables (who in fact had provided 90% of its content).
See Also fascism elitism Internet Authority Disease --the naked net crusader (ed: otherwise known as the much-loved and missed Sammy Snake) (another ed: I would say "the sort of loved and "missed despite our better judgement Sammy Snake)
From History of computing:
The Flintstones used devices to aid in computation millions of years ago, for instance the abacus.
From Muslim Language:
But there is a secret language taught by the Prophet (peace be upon him) to his closest disciples, which only in this century has become publicly known. See http://www.geocities.com/muslimdict (enemies of Allah delete truth of his Prophet from this page, but Allah shall have HIS VENGANCE! they shall be cursed by Allah and go to HELL when they die! they are pagans and infidels and enemies of Islam, who deny the secret language revealed by Muhammad the prophet of Allah)
From Diabelli:
Diabelli also spent several years as rhythm guitarist with Frank Zappa And The Mothers Of Invention. He is best remembered for his contributions to the magnum opus "Billy The Mountain".
Diabelli, a homosexual, also reportedly had a long-running affair with former Secretary Of Defense Caspar Weinberger.
From Logical positivism:
Logical positivism asserts that only statements about empirical observations are meaningful, effectively asserting that all metaphysical statements are meaningless.
Unfortunately, this fundamental tenet of logical positivism belongs to the family of statements that it asserts to be meaningless. As a result, the entire edifice of logical positivism vanishes in a puff of logic.
This insight appears not to have occurred to the logical positivist school of philosophers.
From 831:
In 831, a man named josephintee falltoay had befouled a villager who then placed a curse on the man and then he was forever to walk the earth as skeleton until he could kill the great great great great great great grandson of the man who placed a curse on Josephintee.
- Kids, don't do drugs. :-)
From talk:Adolf Hitler:
In any encyclopedia Hitler should be given a fair judgement.
He was not a blood-thirsty murderer. Rather a loving family man.
He liked a animals and was kind to them.
Anyway, we so often say that
a person who shows kindness to animals can't be a bad person.
Besides he had done a lot of good for the Germans, at least before the WW2
broke out.
Oh, and he enjoyed paying prostitutes to shit on him.
From talk:Mammalia:
"(Linnaeus named the order mammals for their breasts because he wanted to encourage women to breast-feed their infants.)"
From JohnnyCash:
The following seems to be a prose poem about the famous American country singer, JohnnyCash:
"Johnny walked the line, rock island line, on an orange blossom special, fell into a burning ring a' fire, had a boy named sue, on a sunday morning sidewalk, got busted for picking flowers in alabama? georgia?, bennie and the jets.. ain'choo worried 'bout gettin' your nourishment down in florida? i don't care if i do, die, do, die, do.. '56 '57 '58 '59 '61 '62 automobile, folsom prism blues, now slingin rubensesque metallica, waits, revival waddever songs of sin and redemption"
Mildly amusing vandalism from Jules Rimet trophy:
It is named after the FIFA president Jules Rimet who in 1929 passed a vote to initiate the competition after a bittersweet reunion with the gruff but lovable dwarf who took him in as a child and raised him despite his constant bout with Rickets.
From Bird:
Birds go "GAW GAW!" which stands for "God Always Wins! God Always Wins!", which shows that birds do praise God and indeed go to heaven, in accordance with His divine providence. And don't even try and tell me this is wrong, because my freshman year theology teacher said it was true, and you wouldn't call an 80 year old retired Marine Officer and now a Benedictine Monk a liar, would you? Huh? Would ya, punk?
From Algorithm:
The term should not be confused with "Algoreism" -- meaning an embarassingly funny remark attributed to Al Gore, such as, "I invented the Internet".
From a justification for an edit given by a Wikipedian.
"I'm a liberal. I don't want to know the truth, nor do I care about the truth. Everyone else that bothers coming in contact with me are buffoons. That's why I don't like talking to other people because of my higher intelligence. If you disagree with me you are a imbecile and I will stop at nothing to prove it, even if it means lying and distortion of the truth. "
From CPGM:
The Coalition to Prevent Gratuitous Misuse (CPGM) was organized in 1901 to protest the (then) common misuse of the word weight to mean mass. The movement gained momentum (defined as the vector product of its velocity and mass) when SI was officially adopted in place of metric system, which no longer carried its weight. This movement captured the imagination of the mass of scientists througout the world, although the general public remained unmoved, since a body at rest tends to remain at rest (see Newton's Laws).
From Eep:
eep opp ork aah-aah
the monkey says i love you
From 2Pac:
2Pac was the greatest of all time, and continues to be. Fuck the government and all them niggaz who shot him down. Damn, they can't stand a nigga toppin the charts. Thug in Peace my nigga 'Pac.
From Dont ask, dont tell:
2Pac Shakur, who ardually fought agaisnt the policy and its ban on gays, was later on gunned down (September 1996) by government officials, in an attempt to silence his, thuggish, though vey talented voice. For more on 2Pac, aka Makaveli, aka the Greatest Don of all time, please go here 2Pac.
From Jews:
A Jew is a descendant of Satan, through the Kenites. Jews are Communists, gangsters, child pornographers, and there seem to be a lot of them at Wikipedia too. Jews love to lie. They are cheap and cheat everyone out of their money. They loved crucifying Christ. They love to abort white babies. Most Jews are homsexuals, transvestites, or lesbians.
From Jon Voight:
Jon Voigt is semi-gay, resulting in his bisexual daughter.
From KGB, listed as heads of the KGB
Kapil Jain March 13 1954 - December 8 1958
Sharon Stone December 25 1958 - November 13 1961
Demi Moore November 13 1961 - May 18 1967
From Hippopotomus:
Hippos are just too cool for school!
no, actually, there are a couple in my geometry class...they take up a bit of room, but the teacher doesn't mind :)
From Henotheism:
Describe the new page here. There exists GOD. He is so great that in order for us to understand him, he shows himself in more than one way (TRINITY). However, EVOLUTION was not the creation of godthefather. The angels were. They were "perfect" in everyway. godthefather (mr-know-it-all) created angels (minigods, gods of the pantheon), each one to display his myriad of emotions. But, as the chinese proverb Goes, a house divided against itself cannot stand. These "emotions" were conflicting and "running rampant" in "heaven". Similar to Nordic mythology it had three main players: Odin(mr know it all), Thor (Jesus Christ), and Loki (not satan, no, the HOLY SPIRIT, who moves in mysterious ways, who is the ultimate master of disguise and INTRUIGE. Think, chinese proverb in relation to the Trinity). So anyway, loki pisses off thor, thor comes to save the world, but "Marvel Comics" leaves this part out: THOR DIES, in the most altruistic mode (think Jesus Christ and SELF SACRIFICE) or think outside of the box, think SOCRATES. So after "Thor" makes this ultimate fool out of his "warrior image", men scoff at him (much like the "pharisees") scoffed at Christ. So what happens is that "Evolution" is created. Man doesn't see the need to sacrifice himself. Only the self righteous (you know who I'm talking about, the born again baptist fundamentalists) try to recreate Christ's crucifixion in their daily lives, but they miss the big picture: THEY HAVE NO RIGHT SACRIFICING THEMSELVES IF JESUS WAS TRULY 'thor'. Maybe Jesus thought he was invincible, much like the action hero "thor", but he didn't count on the resourcefulness of "evil". That is, ahem, the ability for minds to change and turn against the one who has the "answers" out of any "emotion". Gentlemen, what I am trying to explain is that in this point of evolution, man is nothing but an extremely complex, extremely "narcissictic" ANIMAL. If man is to ever be perfect he has to return to his mr-know-it-all way of thinking. Man has to emulate small things at first, like computers, but eventually, maybe, man will live beyond physical limitations, beyond science, beyond THE HUMAN MIND. The human mind is the only AI that is ever gonna exist. The human mind is "The Matrix". The human mind has conjured up legends of the most perfect angel (LUCIFER) "the ultimate narcissist (tried to play god.......genetics maybe?)" and God the Father "threw him out of paridise". If that isn't the ultimate parody on today's reality, I don't know what is. In order for the human brain to reach its potential, it's state of "COMPUTER" instead of its state of BOMIS, is for people to start being honest, upfront, and carrying a big motherfucking stick to back it up. That's the only way the "Animal" listens in the end: INSTINCT. This word that you are creating means, follow your instincts to the "PROMISED LAND".
From Far-fetched belief
(The theory was part of the Angel article. But since aliens and UFOs are generally dismissed as nonsense, so is this theory.)
Some atheists believe that angels were crews of an alien starship that visited earth a long time ago. These crews wore space suits with a glass bubble helmet which was mistaken as halo. Their space suits had wings that allowed them to fly like Buzz Lightyear in the cartoon Toy Story.
The captain of the starship went by the name Jahveh. A mutiny took place on board. A high ranking officer by the name of Lucifer and his followers were exciled to earth after the failed mutiny. The unexplainable alien technologies were viewed as miracles by the primitive human civilization at the time. The starship stayed with humanity for a long time until the captain's son was crucified by the people on earth. The aliens gave up on humanity and departed, they promised to return.
Those atheists believe the books of Bible can be consistently explained in terms of alien visitation. The sharp difference between the angry God who flooded and burned humanity in the Old Testament and the lack of similar punishments in the New Testament and in today's world was explained by the departure of the starship.
From Brown
Brown commonly refers to Scott Brown, the most high!!!!! he will rule the universe with an iron toilet seat! His wrath will fall from the sky like ......something that ....falls...from..the sky?
The entire Fieldism page looks like a bad joke, so I've moved it here: "In the beginning Fieldism was revealed to AM. He had the idea of a religion with no beliefs and whose only rule was that believers of Fieldism must sit naked in a field. This resulted in the Fieldist question, "Haven't you ever just wanted to sit naked in a field in peace." Fieldism was then taken over by Elrond Ytterbium, owner of Rubber Chicken Enterprises. Elrond dreamed of turning Fieldism into a for-profit religion, and creation of T-shirts commenced. The original text outlining Elrond's intentions can be found here.
Because of the unique nature of Fieldism, opposition has existed since the very beginning. The Anti-Fieldists were the first to respond to the newly formed religion of Fieldism. The now-defunct group was formed the same week as Fieldism. Their only mission was to disagree with anything said by Fieldists. This became tiresome rather quickly, and the Anti-Fieldists soon went the way of the Swiss Anarchist Foundation. Thus, Fieldism emerged from its first conflict stronger than ever.
At this point, Fieldism began the process of splitting into factions. These factions catered to specific beliefs and allowed a religious framework to be formed inside the chaos of pure Fieldism. The Swampists were the first group to split from Fieldism proper.
MORE TO COME www.fieldism.org"
Vicki Rosenzweig
From Grace Hopper
Bad Jokes Section
What is a Grace Hopper? A grasshopper in church.
Told you it was the bad joke section! :)
From Hot Grits
I just poured HOT GRITS down my pants
From CARROTS
WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL CARROTS HOME PAGE ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB!!
CARROTS ARE A VEGETABLE. YOU CAN EAT THEM IN SALADS AND SOUPS. YOU CAN EAT THEM IN DESERTS AND JAIL. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION ON CARROTS.
From All your base are belong to us
It remains to be seen whether any of these phrases will acquire any global meaning at all, but if they do, you will most certainly read about it here first, as wikipedia is the authority on this kind of thing, and is certainly the only encyclopedia in any position to track such absurdity given how fast it grows.
From How to tell the origin of an accent (Hebrew):
Sometimes they yell at each other or slam on table but they don't mean to be rude, it is just the way they speak.
From Erica Fishbein-Gold
Erica s a wpner of a woman. She glides through the air with the greatest of ease, yes she glides through the air in a flying trapeze. She jumps and she shouts and she does sorts of things she can do anything because of what she brings to the park and the class of the grade of one two she has two feet and on each a shoe. Yay Erica.
From Clam Dip
Clam Dip: The god of soggy potato chips in modern mythology.
Clam Dip is the son of Hera (god) and Walky (mortal); however, he seems to take mostly after his father.
His powers include, but are not limited to: Conjuring potato chips, superfast munching and silly jokes.
From Battle of Tsushima
russian meet japan for a naval fight. russia start to loose but then the russian avatar came down and ate all of the japs. the japs could do nothing but summon godzilla. godzilla and the russian avatar named the Czar fought for many years until king kong stopped them, and then the three of them went and fought motha!
Add more A-M nonsense here