The Fear of Wages

The Fear of Wages is an episode of The Goon Show, a popular British radio comedy. It was first broadcast on the 6th of March 1956 and was among the shows first repeated in the 1970's following the success of The Last Goon Show of All in 1972.

The title, like many Goon Show titles, was a parody of a contemporary movie, The Wages of Fear, released in 1953. The plot is something of a parody of tales of lost Japanese soldiers surviving for years on Pacific islands, still believing that World War II is being waged. In this case, a lost regiment of the British Army has been fighting in the jungles of Burma, having ignored the announcement of the Japanese surrender because an officer thought it was a practical joke. Reporting back to the War Office after 14 years, they strike fear into the hearts of two villainous civil servants who have stolen and spent all their back pay.

The script was written by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.

Plot

"Japan has surrendered. End of World War II. Book now for World War III."

Colonel Seagoon of the 4th Armoured Thunderboxes reads a telegram that Major Bloodnok failed to show him in 1945 because he thought it was a joke. Thus the regiment continued fighting the Imperial Japanese Army, now confined to a tree, for 14 years. Just then a Japanese officer appears with a white flag ("The new Mk. 2 armour-piercing white flag!" exclaims Seagoon.) and tries to borrow more ammunition to keep fighting. Bloodnok refuses, as they haven't returned the lawn mower yet, so the officer, General Yakamoto, surrenders. He announces that they have "stores", 1000 cans of nitroglycerine and 2000 cans of potent Japanese rice wine. Bloodnok graciously accepts the sake, leaving Seagoon to telephone the War Office with news of the victory. Neddie muses on the progress of the telephone signal, "athwart the sleeping continents" as the orchestra plays "Land of Hope and Glory". Then the call is answered : "Battersea Dog's Home, Mate!"

The scene shifts to Count Jim Moriarty exulting "Money money money!! It's all the rage!" He is shushed by Hercules Grytpype-Thynne who instructs him help hide more cash in his clothes. The phone rings, and Grytpype answers with "Army Pay Corps, Chief Cashier speaking!" The call is, of course, the news about the lost regiment. The two are horrified as they have spent all the back pay due to the soldiers.

The scene shifts back to Burma, where Seagoon enters Bloodnok's tent with the news that Whitehall deny that they are alive, and that the Japanese must be forgeries. The only way to get their pay is to take the Japanese army, in their tree, back to London. Seagoon announces that they should leave the nitroglycerine behind, but just then Grytpype phones to say that they won't get paid unless all stores are brought back.

Somebody must drive the "nitro". Fortunately Eccles appears and is persuaded to drive the truck. There is the sound of a truck driving away, followed by a distant explosion.

Eccles  : A good job I wasn't on it!

Seagoon  : Then who was driving ?!

Bluebottle: You dirty rotten swines!!

Fortunately Bluebottle is not "deaded" and the convoy continues. Five weeks pass. In a Cabinet meeting called by the Chancellor of the Exchequer, (Jim Spriggs) the Government realize that they owe the regiment millions of pounds. To stop them reaching England Grytpype suggests declaring war. Since Japan isn't doing anything special, he calls Tokyo, from where a call goes to General Yakamoto in the tree to declare war on the 4th Armoured Thunderboxes.

Fleeing to the bulletproof cab of the truck with the Japanese army in it, Seagoon and Bloodnok pull up outside the Cabinet offices and march in. Grytpype asks where the stores are, and Seagoon has to say that the nitroglycerine exploded, and Bloodnok drank all the sake. Grytpype tells him "No stores, no back pay". They attempt the recover the sake by shaking Bloodnok upside down over a bucket. However, the sake was actually nitroglycerine that Yakamoto substituted, and the show ends with an explosion.

Wallace Greenslade: So ended World War III. Book now for World War IV!

Musical Interludes

• Max Geldray - "Side by Side"
• Ray Ellington - "Bubble, Bubble, Bubble (Pink Champagne)" (George Forrest / Robert Wright) in original broadcast, replaced with "Love Me or Leave Me" in a rebroadcast.

Trivia

• Spike Milligan, when in the Army, caused a minor panic along the south coast of England by sending out a radio message about a German invasion fleet, without adding the usual note that it was a test message. He may have been thinking of this when writing about the real telegram that was thought to be a joke.
• "Thunderbox" is Army slang for a latrine.
• Neither of the characters Henry Crun and Minnie Bannister appear in this episode.