User:Tony1/Redundancy exercises: removing fluff from your writing
Here are four sets of excersises that we have prepared to sharpen your ability to identify redundancy. All of these short texts are taken from FACs.
Remember that you're trying to develop a mentality for scrutinising the need for every word in the text that you edit. Undertaking these exercises can be the start of a longer project to tighten your prose. You won't regret it.
Feedback on how to improve these exercises is welcome on the talk page.
Return to the original article
Exercise 1
Let's start with straightforward tasks. The following five examples can be improved by the removal of just one word. First, try to identify this word in each of these six cases; then hit "Show" to view the suggested solution.
QUESTION A: The Prime Minister exercises a great deal of individual political power.
SOLUTION A: The Prime Minister exercises a great deal of individual political power.
["The Prime Minister" is an individual, so there's no need to tell us explicitly.]
QUESTION B: These two species are both members of the equine family.
SOLUTION B: These two species are both members of the equine family.
[You could equally have removed "both"; only one of these two words is required.]
QUESTION C: They invaded the coast and brought along European diseases.
SOLUTION C: They invaded the coast and brought along European diseases.
["Along", in this context, is one of a number of redundant prepositions that have crept into spoken English.]
QUESTION D: The manager has plans to accept the offer.
SOLUTION D: The manager has plans to accept the offer.
[Changing the grammar ("plans" is now a verb rather than a noun) allows one word to be dropped.]
QUESTION E: Poland, Hungary and Romania were all part of the Soviet empire.
SOLUTION E: Poland, Hungary and Romania were all part of the Soviet empire.
[Well, you could include "all", if the fact that the three countries were in the empire (not just one or two of them) were surprising or unexpected for the reader; that would be an unusual context.]
QUESTION F: The forested areas that were the most difficult to get to were the last ones to be cleared.
SOLUTION F: The forested areas that were the most difficult to get to were the last ones to be cleared.
["The last" ("i.e., the last forested areas that we got to") already refers back to the theme; "ones" does this too, but we don't need another back-reference.]
How many did you get right?
6 correct: excellent—consider moving straight to Exercise 4, which contains the hardest examples.
5 correct: OK—consider moving straight to Exercise 3, where more than one word may be redundant in each example.
4 correct: this skill need attention—consider undertaking all of the exercises here.
Exercise 2
Now try another set of examples that have one word too many.
QUESTION A: This question rarely arises outside of the soccer league.
SOLUTION A: This question rarely arises outside of the soccer league.
[The "of" in "outside of" and "inside of" is useless, and should be avoided even in oral mode.]
QUESTION B: More than two-thirds of the workers have received some university training.
SOLUTION B: More than two-thirds of the workers have received some university training.
["Some" is so vague that it's useless; ask yourself what the opposite of "some" is, anyway: what's "total" university training? Not useful.]
QUESTION C: The 2000 fountain pen was originally released in 1966 and is still in production today.
SOLUTION C: The 2000 fountain pen was originally released in 1966 and is still in production today.
["Still" and "today" carry virtually the same meaning. "Today" makes your reader momentarily ponder whether the meaning is "this very day" or more generally, "nowadays", so it's probably best to choose "today" for removal.]
QUESTION D: This thick shield blocks out damage from potentially lethal X-rays.
SOLUTION D: This thick shield blocks out damage from potentially lethal X-rays.
[Another redundant preposition that has crept into spoken English, like "outside of".]
QUESTION E: The coastal region is an exception and it enjoys a flourishing tourist industry.
SOLUTION E: The coastal region is an exception and it enjoys a flourishing tourist industry.
[The "it" forces your reader momentarily to think: ah, "it" refers to "the coastal region"; the sentence is <A is this, plus B enjoys that>. By removing "it", the grammar is simplified to <A is this and enjoys that.> Much nicer.]
QUESTION F: Longer tonicisations may also include other secondary chords.
SOLUTION F: Longer tonicisations may also include other secondary chords.
[Even without the larger context, it's obvious that "also" is idle here; "other" is quite enough.]
QUESTION G: The launch was postponed from the previous day, after the discovery that the software was malfunctioning.
SOLUTION G: The launch was postponed from the previous day, after the discovery that the software was malfunctioning.
[The writer is wrongly emphasising the movement of the event from the previous to the current day—the decision to postpone was made on the previous day, not "from" it.]
QUESTION H: Cystic fibrosis is a common hereditary genetic disorder that affects many different parts of the body.
SOLUTION H: Cystic fibrosis is a common hereditary genetic disorder that affects many different parts of the body.
["Many" is sufficient for the sense; the reader will assume that they're different unless you state otherwise.]
Exercise 3
Each of the following excerpts contains one or more redundant words; replacement wording may be required.
QUESTION A: These findings posed a great number of problems.
SOLUTION A: These findings posed a great number of many problems.
[The suggested removal is in red; the suggested insertion is in green. Why use four words when one will do?]
QUESTION B: Recent analyses of available historical records show why the European settlement of Greenland failed.
SOLUTION B: Recent analyses of available historical records show why the European settlement of Greenland failed.
[Hint: does the opposite make sense—"unavailable historical records"?]
QUESTION C: The NCAA took measures to prevent major brawls from happening again.
SOLUTION C: The NCAA took measures to prevent major brawls from happening again.
[Try the opposite as a thought experiment: would the NCAA try to prevent brawls in the past?]
QUESTION D: In the year of 1988, there were renewed efforts to boost the government's popularity.
SOLUTION D: In the year of 1988, there were renewed efforts to boost the government's popularity.
[1988 is a year; your readers don't need to be told.]
QUESTION E: For each play, it was up to her to determine what sets would be required.
SOLUTION E: For each play, it was up to her to determine what sets would be required the required sets.
[Simplifying the grammar, as usual, yields crisper, stronger wording.]
QUESTION F: She performs predominantly in minor roles in a wide variety of low-budget and major studio films.
SOLUTION F: She mostly takes minor roles in a wide variety of low-budget studio films.
[The struck phrase adds little or nothing to the sense.]
QUESTION G: These aspects serve to distort some of the elements of the architecture such as structure and envelope.
SOLUTION G: These aspects serve to distort some of the elements of the architecture, such as structure and envelope.
[The writer probably wanted to convey the sense of "some, or several, and not all" elements of architecture; this is usually why "some" is used. But a plural noun, such as "elements" means the same. There's no need to indicate explicitly that you don't mean "all elements", because that would require you to write "all of the elements of architecture". Thus, "some", as usual, is redundant.]
Exercise 4
Here are more difficult examples, which require varying degrees of rewriting.
QUESTION A: He welcomed the move as it allowed him to indulge his hobby of big game hunting.
SOLUTION A: He welcomed the move as it The move allowed him to indulge his hobby of big-game hunting.
["Indulge" by itself conveys the sense; of course he welcomed it.]
QUESTION B: The military doctrine has been the target of both criticism and praise from a wide variety of groups.
SOLUTION B: The military doctrine has been the target of both criticism and praise from a wide variety of groups.
[Too vague to be useful.]
QUESTION C: The end of ship-building had an enduring effect throughout the existence of imperial China.
SOLUTION C: The end of ship-building had an enduring effect throughout the existence of on imperial China.
[Your readers will assume that imperial China had an existence that spanned time, so there's no need to say that explicitly.]
QUESTION D: Additionally, the majority of critics gave the film negative reviews.
SOLUTION D: Additionally, the majority of Most critics gave the film negative reviews.
["Additionally" is a particularly ugly additive; regrettably, academics seem to sprinkle their writing with these monsters. "The majority of" might be OK if you're discussing an election, but is wasteful here.]
QUESTION E: The path of evolution of the territory has been a challenge for the government.
SOLUTION E: The path of evolution of the territory has been a challenge for the government.
[Evolution follows a pathway in any case, so "pathway" should not be specified.]
QUESTION F: For all students, sport is a compulsory activity. Teams usually have training two times per week.
SOLUTION F: Sport is compulsory for all students; teams usually train twice a week.
[Sport is an activity, so no need to tell us that; the news is that it's compulsory, so we've made that aspect the point of departure in the sentence. "Have training" is a loose expression that may be analogous to "have classes"; in writing, something neater and simpler is required. Use one word for two, where possible ("twice" for "two times"). "Per" is a Latin word; prefer plain Germanic words, such as "a".]
QUESTION G: During a complex history, four local communities have tried to become the capital over the years.
SOLUTION G: During a complex history, four local communities have tried to become the capital over the years.
["Over the years" adds nothing to what we already know is a historical context.]