Russian jokes

Russian jokes or anekdoty (Russian: анекдо́ты), the most popular form of Russian humour, are short fictional stories or dialogues with a punch line. Russian joke culture features a series of categories with fixed and highly familiar settings and characters. Surprising effects are achieved by an endless variety of plots. Russians love jokes on topics found everywhere in the world, be it sex, politics, spouse relations, or mothers-in-law. This article discusses Russian joke subjects that are peculiar to Russian or Soviet culture.

Every category has a host of hopelessly untranslatable jokes that rely on linguistic puns, wordplay, and Russian's rich vocabulary of foul language. Below, (L) marks jokes whose humor value critically depends on untranslatable features of the Russian language.

A huge category is Russian political jokes.

Archetypes

Fixed characters

Standartenführer Stirlitz

Standartenführer Stirlitz, alias Colonel Isayev is a character from the Soviet TV series “Seventeen Moments of Spring” (“Семнадцать мгновений весны”, based on a novel by Yulian Semyonov) played by the popular actor Vyacheslav Tikhonov about a Soviet intelligence officer who infiltrates Nazi Germany. Stirlitz interacts with Nazi officials Walther Schellenberg, Ernst Kaltenbrunner, Martin Bormann, Heinrich Müller. In the jokes he interacts with them as well as with fictional female radist Kat, pastor Schlag, professor Pleischner and other heroes of the series. Usually two-liners spoofing the solemn style of the original voice-overs, the plot is resolved in grotesque plays on words or in dumb parodies of overly-smart narrow escapes and superlogical trains of thought of the "original" Stirlitz.

The words "Stirlitz is an asshole!" were chalked on the wall of the Reichschancellory. The entire Nazi party snickered about it; only Stirlitz knew that he had been awarded the title of Hero of the Soviet Union.
Stirlitz is sitting in his office. Someone knocks. "It's Bormann," thinks Stirlitz. "Yes, it's me," thinks Bormann.
Stirlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The lights went out. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out again. "It's a fridge," concluded Stirlitz.

Poruchik Rzhevsky

Poruchik (lieutenant) Rzhevsky is a cavalry (hussar) officer. In the aristocratic setting of high-society balls and 19th century social sophistication, Rzhevsky, famous of brisk but not very smart remarks, keeps ridiculing the decorum with his vulgarities. In the jokes, he's often seen interacting with characters from the novel War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy. The name is borrowed from a character from a popular 1960s comedy, Hussar Ballad (Russian - "Гусарская баллада"), bearing little in common with the folklore hero.

Kniaz Bolkonsky asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how came you to be so good with the ladies? What is your secret?" / "It's quite simplement, mon Prince, quite simplement. I just come over and say: 'Hey, wanna fuck?'" / "But Poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!" / "Oui, most of them slap, but some of them fuck!"

Poruchik Rzhevsky asks his aide: "Stepan, there is a grand ball tonight. Got any new puns for me to tell there?" — "Sure, sir, how about this rhyme: 'Adam had Eve... right on the eve... of their very last day in the Eden...'" — "That's a good one!". Later, at the ball: "Messieurs, messieurs! My Stepan taught me a funny chanson ridicule: 'Adam fucked Eve at dawn...' Pardon, not like that... 'Adam and Eve fucked through the night ...' Er... Hell, basically they fucked, but it was absolutement splendid in the verse!"

Poruchik Rzhevsky puts his clothes on and is about to leave a girl he met the day before. "Hey, what about the money?" she asks. Rzhevsky turns around and proudly says: "We Hussars do not take money!"

Natasha Rostova has her first ball and dances with Piere Bezuhov: "Piere, isn't it grease on your collar?"/"Oh my, how could miss such a terrible flaw in my costume, I'm totally destroyed" ) (walks away). Then she dances with Kniaz Bolkonsky: "Andrew, isnt't there a dip of sauce on your tunic?"/(Bolkonsky faints). Finally she's dancing with Rzhevsky: "Poruchik, your boots are all covered in mud!"/"It's not mud, it's shit. Falls down when dries up, you know."

The popularity of these jokes has branched over to other areas of Russian culture and life style.

Rabinovich

Rabinovich, is an archetypal Russian Jew. He is a weaselly type, hates the Soviet government, and is sometimes an otkaznik (refusenik), who is refused permission to emigrate to Israel.

Rabinovich fills out an application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." / "Yes but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"

Seeing a pompous and lavish burial of a member of the Politburo, Rabinovich shakes his head: "What a waste! I could have buried the whole Politburo with this kind of money!"

Rabinovich calls Pamyat headquarters: "Tell me, is it true that Jews sold Russia?"/ "Yes, of course it is true!"/ "Oh good, then could you please tell me where do I go to get my share?"

Vovochka

Vovochka is the Russian equivalent of Little Johnny. He interacts with his school teacher, Marivanna, a spoken shortened form of Maria Ivanovna, a common Russian name. The name itself is a diminutive form of Vladimir, creating the "little boy" effect. His fellow students bear similarly diminutive names. This "little boy" name is used in contrast with Vovochka's wisecracking, adult, often obscene statements. Some of these jokes also play on "Vovochka" being a diminutive for "Vladimir", the first name of the Bolshevik leader Vladimir Lenin, as well as the current president Vladimir Putin.

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the board: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a cock, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "Alright, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you break a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a cock on the blackboard?"
The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!". The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!". "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"
On celebration of Victory Day anniversary (9th of May), Marivann asks children about their grandparents in WWII. A girl stands up: "My grandma was a nurse in war!" / "Why do you think so?" / "She has a hat with red cross at home". A boy stands up: "My grandpa was a tankman!" / "Why do you think so?" / "He has a tank helmet at home". Vovochka stands up: "And mine was an electrician!" / "WHAT?! How?!" / "'cos he has a helmet with 2 lightnings at home!" (the SS logo)

Please note the distinct 3-part structure and repeating phrase present in this joke. These 2 features are extremely common in all Russian folklore, including jokes.

Since the election of Vladimir Putin, all jokes about Vovochka are considered political. (NB: that statement itself is a joke.)

Chapayev

Vasily Ivanovich Chapayev, a Red Army hero of the Russian Civil War, was featured in a very popular 1934 biopic. Other characters from the biopic like his aide-de-camp Petka (Peter), Anka The Machine-Gunner (Anna), and commissar Furmanov, all based on real people, are also featured in the jokes. Most common topics are about their fight with the monarchist White Army, Chapayev's futile attempts to enroll into the Frunze Military Academy, and the circumstances of his death; he was machine-gunned by the Whites while attempting to flee across the Ural River.

"I flunked again, Petka. The question was about Caesar, and I told them it's a stallion from the 7th cavalry squadron." / "Oh, sorry about that, Vasili Ivanovich, I had him moved to the 6th!"

Chapayev, Petka and Anka, in hiding from the Whites, are crawling across a field, first Anka, then Petka and Chapayev last. Petka says to Anka, "Your mother must have been a dancer -- your legs are so fine!" Chapayev responds, "And your father, Petka, must have been a plowman: you are leaving such a deep furrow!"

On the occasion of an anniversary of the October Revolution, Furmanov gives a political lecture to the rank and file: "...And now we are on our glorious way to the shining horizons of Communism!" / "How did it go?", Chapayev asks Petka afterwards. "Exciting!... But unclear. What the hell is a horizon?" / "See Petka, it is a line you may see far away in the steppe when the weather is good. And it's a tricky one -- no matter how long you ride towards it, you'll never reach it. You'll only wear down your horse." (Many other folk characters have starred in this joke as well, including Rabinovich.)

A teacher learns that Vovochka's grandfather met Chapayev during the Russian Civil War. She asks him to come to the class on the eve of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution and tell the kids about his memories. The old man reluctantly agrees. Kids meet him with excitement: "Say, gramps, did you see Chapayev with your own eyes?" / "Indeed I did. There I was, on the bank of the Ural river, a Maxim machine gun firmly in my hands. Suddenly I see someone swimming across the river! His Excellency orders me, fire Ivan, fire! Well, kids, that was the last I ever saw of Chapaev!"

Fantomas

Some older jokes involve Fantomas, a fictional criminal and master of disguise from a French detective series Fantomas, films based on which were once wildly popular in Russia. His archenemy is Inspector Juve, charged with catching him. Fantomas's talent for disguise is usually the focus of the joke, allowing for jokes featuring all sorts of other characters:

"Haha!" said Fantomas as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Carlo Ponti mask. "Haha!" said Inspector Juve later as he snuck out of Sophia Loren's bedroom and took off his Sophia Loren mask.

(From the days of Golda Meir) Fantomas sneaks into Mao Zedong's private chamber as the latter is on his deathbed, and takes off his mask. "Well, Petka, fate sure does have a way of scattering friends all over the world, doesn't it?", says Mao. "Ah, if you only knew, Vasily Ivanovich," responds Fantomas, "what our Anka has been up to in Israel!"

Vanka and Manka

Vanka and Manka (i.e., Ivan and Mariya) are a rustic couple with typically Russian names, visiting a large city and confronted with urban civilization.

Vanka and Manka came to Moscow and went to a restaurant. Noticing that they were horribly out of fashion, they rush into a restroom, Manka cuts a deep decollete, using the cut fabric to hack bell-bottoms for Vanka's pants. Fixed up, they order lunch. The orchestra plays soft music. Manka purrs moodily: "My breast is on fire from Tchaikovsky's music!" Vanka looks up: "Dummy, take your tit out of your borscht!"

New Russians

New Russians, i.e. the nouveau-riche, arrogant and poorly educated post-perestroika businessmen and gangsters, are a new and very popular category of characters in contemporary Russian jokes. A common plot is the interaction of a New Russian in his archetypal Mercedes S600 with a regular Russian in his modest Soviet-era Zaporozhets after having had a car accident. The New Russian is often a violent criminal or at least speaks criminal argot, with a number of neologisms (or common words with skewed meaning) typical among New Russians. In a way, these anecdotes are a continuation of the Soviet-era series about Georgians, who were then depicted as extremely wealthy. The physical appearance of the New Russians is often that of overweight men with short haircut, thick gold chains and crimson jackets, with their fingers in the horns gesture, riding "600th Mers" and showing off their wealth.

"Daddy, all my schoolmates are riding the bus, and I am the black sheep in this 600th Mers." / "No worries, son. I'll buy you a bus, and you'll ride like everyone else!"
"Look at my new tie," says a New Russian to his colleague. "I bought it for 500 dollars in the store over there." "You got yourself conned," says the other. "You could have paid twice as much for the same one just across the street!"
What did the New Russian say to the Old Jew? "Can I borrow some money, Dad?"

Animals

Jokes set in the animal kingdom also feature stereotypes, such as the violent Wolf, the sneaky (female) Fox, the cocky coward Hare, the strong, simple-minded Bear, and the multi-dimensional Hedgehog. In Russian language all objects, as well as live creatures have gender (similar to Spanish). As a result, a reader should assume that the Wolf, the Bear, the Hare, and the Hedgehog are males, whereas the Fox is a female.

The bear, the wolf, the hare and the fox are playing cards. The bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If I catch anyone cheating, I'll punch this person in the face... that's right, her smug red-furred face!"

"If something has spilled from somewhere, then that must mean that something has poured into somewhere else," the drunken hedgehog mused philosophically when the campers quarrelled over a broken bottle. ("Drunken hedgehog" is a kind of multipurpose Russian cliche.)

Animals in Russian jokes are and were very well aware of politics in the realm of humans.

A bunch of animals, including a rooster are in prison and brag to each other what they are there for. <Scores of versions of funny tales by Fox, Wolf, etc.> The rooster doesn't take part in this. Someone asks: "And what are you in for?" - "I am not talking to you, criminals. I am a political prisoner!" - "How come?" - "I pecked a Young Pioneer in the ass!"

Often animal jokes are in fact fables, i.e., their punchline is (or eventually becomes) a kind of a maxim.

The hare walks through a forest and meets the running camel. The hare asks: "What's the matter? Why such a haste?" "The camels there are caught and shod." The hare starts running too. The camel asks: "Why are you running? You're not a camel!" "When you are caught and shod, try to prove you're not a camel!" (This joke is the origin of the popular Russian saying "try to prove you are not a camel" in the sense "try to prove postfactum that you did not do anything wrong".)

Drunkards

Two drunks get onto a bus. One of them asks "Will this bus take me to 25th Street?" The bus driver says, "No, it won't." After a pause, the other man inquires "What about me?"

A drunkard takes a leak by a lamp pole in the street. A policeman tries to reason with him: "Can't you see the latrine is just 25 steps away?" The drunkard replies: "Do you think I got me a damn fire hose in my pants here?"

Drunk #1 is slowly walking, bracing himself against a fence and stumbling. He comes across Drunk #2, who is lying next to the fence. "What a disgrace! Lying around like a pig! I'm ashamed for you." "You just keep on walking, demagogue! We'll see what you're gonna do when you run out of fence!"

Policemen

These often revolve around the supposition that the vast majority of Russian and Soviet militsioners (policemen) accept bribes. Also, they are not considered to be very bright.

An intelligence test was conducted among the OMON (Russian SWAT and riot police units) involving variously shaped and sized holes and pegs. The conclusion states that the OMON can be divided into two groups: very smart and very strong.

Three prizes were awarded for the successes in Socialist competition of militsia dept. #18. The third prize is the Complete Works of Vladimir Lenin. The second prize is 100 rubles and a ticket to Sochi... The first prize is a portable stop sign. (There are several of versions with this punch line about the stop sign. This one depicts a Soviet peculiarity. A portable stop sign allows the militsioner to put it in an unexpected or hard to see place on a road, fine everyone passing it and appropriate most of the fines for himself.)

"Do you know why policemen always go in threes?" / "No, why?" / "It's specialization: one knows how to read, one knows how to write, and yet another one is there to keep a watch on the two smart ones."

A meta-joke based on the previous one:

A person on a bus tells a joke: "Do you know why policemen always go in pairs?" / "No, why?" / "It's specialization: one knows how to read, the other - how to write." / A hand promptly grabs him by the shoulder — a policeman is standing right behind him! "Your papers!" he barks. The hapless person surrenders his papers. The policeman opens them, reads, and nods to his partner: "Write him up a citation, Vasya."

Army NCOs

Probably any nation big enough to have an army has a good deal of its own barracks jokes. Other than for plays on words, these jokes are usually international. In the Soviet Union, however, military service was universal (for males), so most people could relate to them. In these jokes a warrant officer (praporschik) is an archetypal bully of limited wit.

There is an enormous number of one-liners, supposedly quoting a praporschik:

Private Ivanov, dig a trench from me to the next scarecrow!"
Private Ivanov, dig a trench from the fence until lunch!"
Don't make clever faces at me - you're future officers, now act accordingly!"
Now maggots, run in a circle until you form a square"
Now porutschik, run from me to the other tree"

The punchline "from the fence until lunch" has become a well-known Russian cliché for an unpleasant assignment with no defined purpose.

Some of them are philosophical, and apply not only to warrant officers.

Scene One: A tree. An apple. An ape comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" The ape thinks, grabs a stick, and hits the apple off. / Scene Two: A tree. An apple. A praporschik comes and starts to shake the tree. A voice from above: "Think, think!" / "No time to think, gotta shake!".
Warrant officer to privates: "Write down: the temperature of boiling water is 90°." One of the privates replies, "Comrade praporschik, you're mistaken - it's 100°!" The officer checks in the book, and then replies, "Right, 100°. It is the right angle that boils at 90°."

Commander and intellectual trooper:

A commander announces: - The platoon has been assigned to unload luminum - Aluminum, not luminum, corrects a trooper. - The platoon is going to unload luminum, repeats commander, - and the intelligentsia here is going to unload castum ironum!

Until shortly before perestroika, many fit male students of higher education had obligatory military courses from which they graduate as junior officers in the military reserve. A good deal of military jokes originated there.

"Soviet nuclear bombs are 20% more efficient than the Atomic Bombs of the probable adversary. American bombs have 4 zones of effect: A, B, C, D, while ours have five: А, Б, В, Г, Д!" (the first five letters of the Russian alphabet).
"A nuclear bomb falls exactly on the ground zero."
"Suppose we have a unit of M tanks... no, M is not enough. Suppose we have a unit of N tanks!"
"The attack is signaled with three green sirens into the zenith."

Sometimes, these silly statements can cross-over, intentionally or unintentionally, into the realm of actual wit:

"Student, justify why you have come to class wearing pants of our most probable military opponent!" (here the teacher means jeans made in USA) The right answer, as mentioned sometimes, is: "Because they are a probable war trophy."

There is also an eternal dispute between servicemen and civilians:

Civilian: "You servicemen are dumb. We civilians are smart!" / Serviceman: "If you are so smart, then why don’t you march in files?" Navy ending: "... why don't you wear a tel'nik?" (short for Telnyashka)

Ethnic stereotypes

Russia (and especially the former Soviet Union) has been multiethnic for many centuries, and throughout their history several ethnic stereotypes have developed, often shared with those produced by other ethnicities (usually with the understandable exception of the ethnicity in question, but not always).

What do you call one Russian? --A drunk. What do you call two Russians? --A fight. What do you call three Russians? --The junior sub-committee of the 3rd Party Secretariat of the 8th District ...
What do you call one Jew? --A financial center. What do you call two Jews? --The World Chess Championship. What do you call three Jews? --Native Russian Folk Instrument Ensemble.
What do you call one Ukrainian? --A partisan. What do you call two Ukrainians? --A partisan cell. What do you call three Ukrainians? --A partisan cell with a traitor in their midst.

Chukchi

Chukchi, the native people of Chukotka, the most remote northeast corner of Russia, are the most common minority targeted for generic ethnic jokes in Russia—many other nations have a particular one they make fun of (cf. Poles in American humor, Newfie jokes about Newfoundlanders in Canada, Belgians in French and Dutch humor, Galicians in Argentina). In jokes, they are depicted as generally primitive and simple-minded, but clever in a naive kind of way. A propensity for constantly saying "odnako" - "however" - is a staple of Chukcha jokes.

"Chukcha, why did you buy a fridge if it's so cold in tundra?" / "Why, is minus fifty Celsius outside, is minus ten inside, is minus five in the fridge—a warm place!"
A Chukcha comes into a shop and asks: "Do you have color TVs?" "Yes, we do." "Give me a green one."
A Chuckcha comes home after hunting. (To his wife): "A hang-glider, however, is an evil bird indeed!"/ "???"/ "Took 12 shots to make it let the poor guy go!" After translating it from Russian, I couldn't help but wonder where the hell did that hang-glider get from in tundra?!

Chukchi do not miss their chance to retaliate.

A Chukcha and a Russian geologist go hunting polar bears. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "Russian hunter bad hunter, however", says the Chukcha, "Now you haul this bear ten miles to the yaranga yourself!"

Chukchi in jokes, due to their innocence, often see the inner truth of situations.

A Chukcha returns home from Moscow to great excitement and interest. "What is socialism like?" asks someone. "Oh," begins the Chukcha in awe, "There, everything is for the betterment of Man. I even saw that Man himself!"

Ukrainians

Ukrainians are depicted as rustic, greedy and fond of salted salo (pork fatback), and their accent, which is imitated in jokes, is perceived as funny.

A Ukrainian tourist is questioned at international customs:

—Are you carrying any weapons or drugs?

—Yes, salo.

—But salo is not a drug.

—When I eat salo, I get high!

In addition, Ukrainians are perceived to bear a grudge against Russians (derided as Moskali by Ukrainians)

The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mykola!" / "Yes!" / "Moskali have flown to the Moon!" / "All of them?" / "No, just one." / "So why are you bothering me?"

Georgians

Georgians are almost always depicted as masculine, sexually obsessed and hot-blooded, sometimes as homosexual, and in some cases both at the same time. A very loud and theatrical Georgian accent, including the grammatical errors typical of Georgians, and occasional Georgian words is considered funny to imitate in Russian and often becomes a joke in itself. For instance, the joke below uses genatsvale, the Georgian equivalent of American English buddy, and "M"-reduplication, akin to Shm-reduplication in Yiddish and English. (In fact, "M"-reduplication is only typical for Azeri and Central Asians: "cultura-multura", but joke tellers don't care much about such details.) The "Vah!" exlcamation is also very commonly used (indicating a strong degree of emotions, e.g.: "Vah! What an arse!".

In Soviet times, Georgians were also perceived as running a black market business. It should however be noted that at that time Russians often applied the word "Georgians" (gruziny) to all people from the Caucasus, regardless of their actual nationality. There is a funny expression, that usually in police reports they are termed as "persons of Caucasian nationality" (Template:Lang-ru). In Russia itself, most people saw "persons of Caucasian nationality" mostly at marketplaces selling fruits and flowers. Many of jokes about Georgians are being recently retold in terms of "New Russians".

A plane takes off from the Tbilisi airport in Georgia. A passenger storms the pilot's cabin, waving an AK-47 gun and demanding that the flight be diverted to Israel. The pilot shrugs OK, but suddenly the hijacker's head falls off his shoulders, and a Georgian pops from behind with his blood-drenched dagger, and a huge suitcase: "Lisssn here genatsvale: no any Israel-Misrael; fly Moscow nonstop — my roses are fading!"

In the zoo, two lasses are discussing a gorilla with a huge penis: "THAT's what a real man must have!" A Georgian passer-by sarcastically remarks: "You are badly mistaken. THIS is what a real man must have!", and produces a thick wallet.

On the roadblock at the entry to the city car full of Georgians is stopped by police patrol. Policeman refuses to let them into the city. "New regulation, you have to jerk-off a pailful of semen! Here is a pail, now do it." Caucasians struggle to fill it for some time and they produce a half-full pail to him. "Here we can no more, take $500, let us go." "No, regulation is strict I cannot let you go, fill it to the top." After some more time caucasians give him a 3/4 full pail, and say "We can do it no more, we are just empty, here take $2000, and let us go." "Ok." says the policeman and allows them to depart. After that he takes a pail and empties it to the nearby gutter singing "...Beloved city can sleep untroubled." (A famous tune from a well-know Soviet film about policemen and their duty as keepers of people's calm life. This joke emphasises a proverbal sexual activity of caucasians and surprisingly was taken by caucasian themselves as recognition of their male strength.)

Givi (typical Georgian name in jokes) wants to have some sex. He notices a boy and calls him over: "Boy, want a candy-shmandy?" / "Vah, Givi, of course I do!" Givi gives him a candy, the boy bows to show his gratitude and Givi gets the craved-for anal sex. the next day Givi gets a hard-on again: "Boy, want another candy-shmandy?" / "Vah, Givi, of course I do!". Givi is satisfied again. On the third day the boy comes up to Givi: "Givi, don't you happen to have 1 more candy-shmandy?" / "Vah, boy, when I was small I loved candy-shmandy, too, but I wasn't such a faggot!".

Armenians

Armenians are often used interchangeably with Georgians, sharing some of the stereotypes. However their unique context is the fictitious Armenian Radio, usually telling political jokes (see below).

Estonians

Estonians, allegedly rustic and mean, are depicted as having no sense of humour and being stubborn, taciturn and especially slow. The Estonian accent, especially its sing-song tune and the lack of genders in grammar, forms part of the humour. Their common usage of geminates both in speech and orthography (e.g. Tallinn, Saaremaa) also led to the stereotype of being slow in speech, thinking and action.

An Estonian stands by a railway track. Another Estonian passes by on a handcar, pushing the pump up and down. The first one asks: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnoot ttoo llonngg." He gets on the car and joins pushing the pump up and down. After two hours of silent pumping the first Estonian asks again: "Iis iitt a llonngg wwayy ttoo Ttallinn?" — "Nnooow iiitt iiiis llonngg wwayy."
A promotion from Estonian mobile phone providers: the first two hours of a call are free.
"I've told some Estonian blokes that they're slow." / "What did they reply?" / "Nothing, but they beat me up the following day. "

Jews

Jewish humour is a highly developed subset of Russian humor, largely based on the Jews' self-image. These Jewish anecdotes are not the same as anti-Semitic jokes. Instead, whether told by Jews or non-Jewish Russians, these jokes show cynicism, self-irony and wit that is characteristic of Jewish humour both in Russia and elsewhere in the world (see Jewish humor). The jokes are usually told with a characteristic Jewish accent (stretching out syllables, mispronouncing the rolled "r", etc.).

Avram cannot sleep, tossing and turning from side to side... Finally his wife Sarah protests: "Avram, what's bothering you?" / "I owe Moishe 20 roubles, but I have no money. What shall I do?" / Sarah bangs on the wall and shouts to the neighbors: "Moishe! My Avram still owes you 20 roubles? Well he isn't giving them back!" Turning to her husband she says: "Now go to sleep and let Moishe stay awake!"
An Odessa Jew meets another one. "Have you heard, Einstein is going to America!" / "Oh, what for?" / "He developed this Relativity theory." / "Yeah, what's that?" / "Well, you know, five hairs on your head is relatively few. Five hairs in your soup is relatively many." / "What, he goes to America for that?!"
A guy on the confession talking to the priest: "Father, I have sinned." / "What is your sin, son?" / "I've swindled a Jew." / "My son, it's not a sin... It's a miracle!"

See also the "Rabinovich" section with uniquely Soviet Jewish jokes.

Chinese

Russian stereotypes about Chinese people are probably the same as elsewhere in Western world. Common jokes center on the enormous numbers of Chinese people, the Chinese language, and the perceptions of the Chinese as cunning, industrious, and hard-working. Other popular jokes revolve around the belief that the chinese are capable of amazing feats by primitive means, such as the Great Leap Forward.

"During the Damansky Island incident the Chinese military developed three main strategies: The Great Offensive, The Small Retreat, and Infiltration by Small Groups of One to Two Million Across the Border."
"When a child is born in a Chinese family, there is an ancient tradition: a silver spoon is dropped on the jade floor. The sound the spoon makes will be the name of the newborn." (see Chinese names)
The first report of the first taikonaut: "Devices OK, boiler-men on duty!"

A good deal of jokes are puns based on the fact that a widespread Chinese syllable (spelled "hui" in pinyin) sounds exactly like the obscene Russian word for penis (хуй). For this reason since about 1956 the Russian-Chinese dictionaries render the Russian transcription of this syllable as "хуэй" (huey), the most embarrassing case probably being the word "socialism" (社会主义; pinyin: shè huì zhǔ yì), rendered previously as шэ-хуй-чжу-и.

Russians

Russians are a stereotype in Russian jokes themselves when set next to other stereotyped ethnicities. Thus, the Russian appearing in a triple joke with two other Westerners, like a German, French, American or Englishman, will provide for a self-ironic punchline depicting him as simple-minded and negligently careless but physically robust, which often ensures he retains the upper hand over his naive Western counterparts.

A French, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it, and cannibals eat him. The French asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!" (Side note: This joke has also been used as a Jewish joke; more specifically, as an Israeli joke, as Israel is constantly feared of being seen as the 'aggressor')

A king summons a Russian, a German and a French seeking to marry his daughter to give them the final task. Its result will decide the winner. (NB: A very common plot) The king gives each of them a bag of bisquits and a dog, locks them into a cell for a month to see what they can teach the dog to do. In a month they release a very thin German and a very fat dog. The dog is only able to do smoe basic tricks. Then a moderately fat French with moderately fat dog is released. His dog can run on 2 legs, cook dinners, etc. Finally the king releases a very fat Russian with terribly malnutritioned dog from the cell. The Russian says: "Er bark something, will you?"/ The dog looks into his eyes and says: "Just 1 bisquit, mate, PLEASE!!!!"

A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!" "Quit playing smart on me," says the Russian. "Just point with your finger!"

A Frenchman, a Scotsman, and a Russian are drifting in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly they see a bottle bobbing on the waves. They uncork it, and a Genie comes out. For releasing him he's prepared to grant them each two wishes. The Scotsman says: "I want a bottle of whisky and to go back to Scotland," and promptly disappears. The French says: "I want a bottle of the finest Merlot, and to go back to France," and is sent on his way. The Russian considers it a moment and decides: "I want a case of vodka and the fellas back!" (Side Note: This joke is a play on the fact that in Russia it is believed that three is the optimal amount of people for drinking. This in turn goes back to when in the Soviet Union a bottle of vodka cost 2 roubles 87 kopecks, a convenient price for three to buy a bottle and some snack, e.g., 100 grams of cheap candies.)

An Englishman, a Swede and a Russian are in an art gallery. As they look at a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, the Englishman comments, "Look at the beauty of the garden, it must be an English painting". The Swede replies "No,look at Adam and Eve. To be painted naked as such, the painting must be Swedish". At this point the Russian interrupts, "No, you are both wrong. No clothes, no shelter, only one apple between them and they're told it's paradise; it must be Russian".

Puns

Like everywhere else, a good deal of jokes in Russia are based on puns. Of course, 95% of humour is lost in translation, but...

(L) The genitive plural of a noun (used with a numeral to indicate five or more of something, as opposed to the dual, used for two, three, or four, see Russian nouns) is a rather unpredictable form of the Russian noun, and there are a handful of words which native speakers have trouble producing this form of (either due to rarity or an actual lexical gap). A common example of this is kocherga (fireplace poker). The joke is set in a Soviet factory. Five pokers are to be requisitioned. The correct forms are acquired, but as they are being filled out, a debate arises: what is the genitive plural of kocherga? Kocherg? Kocherieg? Kochergov?... One thing is clear: a form with the wrong genitive plural of kocherga will bring disaster from the typically-pedantic bureaucrats. Finally, an old janitor overhears the commotion, and tells them to send in two separate requisitions: one for two kochergi and another for three kochergi. (In reality, a bureaucrat would likely resort to a trick like "Kocherga: 5 items"; a similar story by Mikhail Zoshchenko involves yet another answer.)

Eggs

A Russian slang for 'testicle' is 'egg' It is not exactly slang, but rather a taboo word: "testicle" (yaichko) and "egg" (yaitso) have the same root, the former being a diminutive form of the latter, even educated people use the same word for 'testicle' and 'egg'. A surprisingly large variety of jokes capitalize on this, ranging from predictably silly to surprisingly elegant.

St. Petersburg. Hermitage Museum. An exhibit of a masterpiece by Peter Carl Fabergé. The caption reads: "Fabergé. Self-portrait. (Fragment)"
A train compartment. A family: a small daughter, her mother and grandma. The fourth passenger is a Georgian. Mother starts feeding a soft-boiled egg to the daughter with a silver spoon. Grandma: "Don't you know that eggs can spoil silver?" — "Who would have known!", thinks the Georgian and replaces his silver cigarette case from the front pants pocket to the back one.
See 'Chastushka' article for a yet another example.

Religion

A notable feature of Soviet humor is the virtual lack of jokes on religious topics, with some superficial exceptions, see below. Clearly, this is not because Russians are so pious. Those few are told in supposedly Church Slavonic language: archaic words are used and unstressed "o" is clearly pronounced as "o" (in modern Russian "Muscovite" speech it is reduced to "a") and rare names of distinctively Greek origin are used. Priests are supposed to speak in basso profondo.

(L) At the lesson of the Holy Word: "Disciple Dormidontiy, pray tell me, is the soul separable from the body or not." / "Separable, Father." / "Verily speakest thou. Substantiate thy reckoning." / "Yesterday morning, Father, I was passing by your cell and overheard your voice chanting: (imitates bass) '...And now, my soul, arise and get thee dressed.' " / "Substantiatest... But in vulgar!" (The Russian phrase that translates literally as "my soul" is a term of endearment, often toward romantic partners, comparable to English "my darling")
A lass in a miniskirt jumps onto a bus, the bus starts abruptly, and she falls onto the lap of a priest. She jumps up, surprised, looks down and says, "Wow!" / "It's not a 'wow!', my daughter, but rather the key to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour!"

Still there are two sets of jokes related to religion, but only superficially, because they don't mock religious topics per se. These are about humans dealing with supernatural beings and humans in Heaven and Hell. They are pretty much international settings, but sometimes there may be inherently Russian or Soviet flavor, political or cultural.

Human vs. supernatural powers

In jokes of one type God and Devil act as good and evil superpowers to create a comical situation for a mortal.

Humans in heaven and hell

A Communist died and since he was a honest man albeit atheist, he was sentenced to rotate spending one year in Hell and one year in Heaven. One year passed and Satan said to God : "Take this man as fast as possible, because he turned all imps into Young Pioneers, I have to restore the order." Another year passed, Satan meets God again and tells him : "Sir God, it's my turn now." The God replied : "First of all, I'm not Sir God, but Comrade God, The second thing is there is no God, and the last thing - don't distract me or I'll be late to the Party meeting."

Absurdity

A class of jokes relies on the uncategorizable absurdity of human life:

Anguish: A house in the middle of a desolate steppe. A man walks out, yells at the top of his voice, "Damn you-u-u-u!". Waits for the echo: "you-u-u...". Satisfied, he goes back in.

A man is driving along the highway. His rear axle falls off. "No problem," he thinks, "If I concentrate hard enough, there'll be someone with a rear axle for me after the next curve." Drives around the curve. No one. "Obviously I didn't concentrate hard enough. The next curve is it!". Drives around the next curve. A guy is standing there. The driver stops. "Well?" / "Leave me alone, will you? I don't have your rear axle!!"

Black humour

Chernobyl humour

An old woman stands in the market with a "Chernobyl mushrooms for sale" sign. A man goes up to her and asks, "Hey, what are you doing? Who's going to buy Chernobyl mushrooms?" And she tells him, "Why, lots of people. Some for their boss, others for their mother-in-law..."

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?" "Yes, there was." - answered the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head. "Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?" "Yes, absolutely" - answered the Grandpa and patted the grandson's second head. (Often added "And they strolled together peacefully, wiggling their tails").

A Soviet newspaper reports: "Yesterday evening the N. Nuclear Powerstation in 4 microseconds fulfilled the Five Year Plan of heat energy generation".

University students

The life of most Russian university students is often associated with many people coming from small towns and living in dormitories. State universities (the only type of universities in existence in Soviet times) are notable for carelessness about the students' comfort and the quality of food. Most jokes make fun of these "interesting" conditions, inventive evasion by students of their academic duties or lecture attendance, and sometimes even about alcoholic tendencies of engineering students.

Also, there are a number of funny student obsessions such as zachetka (a transcript of grades, carried by every student), halyava (a chance of getting good or acceptable grades without any effort) and getting a scholarship for good grades. Also, it should be noted that the standard exam format is usually a dialogue between the professor and the student, based on a set of questions written on a bilet (a small sheet of paper, literally: ticket), which the student draws at random in the exam room, and is given some time to prepare answers for.

A memo in a student dining hall: Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already died [from eating it].
A crocodile's stomach can digest concrete. A student's stomach can digest that of a crocodile.
In a lecture there are 3 students in the class. Suddenly, 5 students stand up and leave. The professor thinks to himself, "If another 2 people come in, then there will be nobody listening."

Abstract jokes

"Abstract joke" (or "abstract humor") is a Russian term for a non-joke.

Two crocodiles were flying. One to the left, the other was green.
A brick lays under the sun, warms itself. A gaggle of geese flies by. "Hello, brick! Let's fly South!" The brick thought for a while and started smoking a pipe.
A cow went a-fishing and sees an elephant swimming by. "Hello, cow! Is it far to a bridge?" / "Which one do you want: across or along the river?" / "It doesn't matter to me, I am wearing silk stockings!"

Cowboy jokes

Cowboy jokes is a popular series about a Wild West full of trigger-happy simple-minded cowboys, and of course the perception that in Texas everything is big. It is usually difficult to guess whether these are imported or genuinely Russian inventions. Other times, it's pretty clear.

In a saloon.

- The guy over there really pisses me off!

- There are four of them; which one?

- The one that's drinking whiskey.

- All are drinking whiskey.

- The one that's smoking a cigarette.

- All are smoking cigarettes.

- He wears a hat.

- All wear hats.

(Three shots ring out.)

- The one still standing!

- And what are you going to do about it?

- I think I'll shoot him.

Inner voice

The "inner voice" series, often set within the framework of cowboys, has a typical template: the inner voice gives a series of smart advices which eventually lead to big trouble.

A cowboy is riding across a prairie. His inner voice tells him, "Get off the horse and dig a hole!" The cowboy does this and finds a box of silver. "Dig deeper!" The cowboy digs and finds a box of gold. "Dig deeper," says the voice again. The cowboy keeps digging and finds a box of diamonds. "Now, I wonder how you'll get yourself out," says the inner voiсe.
A cowboy is riding alone across the Wild West. Suddenly he is attacked by a whole tribe of Indians. "God, I'm in trouble", thinks he, but then he hears his inner voice whispering: "Your situation isn't so bad... just shoot the one with the fancy feathers, the chief". So does the cowboy: shoots at the chief, who falls from his horse. "Now you are indeed in trouble", says the inner voice.

Jokes about disabilities

There is a series of Russian jokes about disabilities. Most popular themes being mental hospital and dystrophy, which may be attributed to the history of political persecution in Soviet Union, where dystrophy was a natural state of inmates in Gulag labor camps, while mental hospitals ("psikhushka") were widely used for confinement of dissidents.

Mental hospital

An inspector comes to a mental hospital and sees the patients diving into an empty pool head-first. "What are they doing?" he asks the nurse. "The chief psychiatrist promised to fill the pool with water when they learn to dive safely."

A patient tells the doctor that he cannot live with his roommate anymore. "Why not?" / "Because at night he starts pretending he is a lamp." / "And why does that bother you?" / "I cannot fall asleep when there's too much light."

The concept of "mental hospital" is also often used to poke fun at the political system.

A lecturer visits the mental hospital and gives a lecture about how great communism is. Everybody claps loudly except for one person who keeps quiet. The lecturer asks: "why aren't you clapping?" and the person replies "I'm not a psycho, I work here."

Dystrophy

A large number of jokes, arguably unparalleled among other nations, is about people with acute muscular dystrophy, informally called distrofik in Russia. The main topics are extreme weakness, slowness, leanness, and weightlessness of a distrofik.

Distrofiks are playing hide and seek in the hospital. "Vovka, where are you?" / "I'm here, behind this broomstick!" "Hey, didn't we have an arrangement not to hide behind the thick objects?"
A jolly doctor comes into a dystrophy ward:"Greetings, eagles!" (a Russian cliche in addressing to able-bodied men, eg., brave soldiers) In reply: "No, we are not. We are flying because the nurse turned the fan on!"

Retarded

Father sends his son shopping: "You go and buy two things: bread and milk. Did you get it? Two things, TWO, not one! Bread! And milk!" The son comes back with a hockey stick. "What did I tell you, moron?! I told you to buy TWO things! Where is the puck, retard?!"
A young retard asks his mother (while she is washing up): "Mum, gimme an apple!" "No, I'm busy!" "But Mum, gimme an apple!" "Piss off!" "But Mum!" "Okay! Here. What should you say?" "Hi, Mr Apple!"

Taboo vocabulary

Obscene slang known as mat is the salt and pepper of the vast majority of Russian joke narration. Unfortunately this aspect is nearly impossible to render into English. However, there are two particular types of jokes that rely, as the primary source of humor, on the expected, casual usage of obscenity, common particularly in the speech of the lower social classes, where it is possible to explain the mechanism of the humor.

In one series, a typical plot goes as follows. A construction site expects an inspection from the higher-ups, and a foreman warns the workers to watch their tongues. Next day, during the tour for VIPs a worker drops a hammer from the fourth floor right on the head of his colleague... The punch line is an exceedingly polite, classy utterance in response from the mouth of the injured.

(L) Another series of jokes is based on the fact that, with sufficient context, the root of many Russian nouns, verbs, and adjectives, may be replaced with the root of the vulgar Russian word for "penis", with no loss of meaning of the sentence, since the listener can derive its meaning based on context and the affixes surrounding the root (a similar phenomenon, also a frequent target of humor, exists in English with the word fuck, but the rich morphology of the Russian language allows much more flexibility for the Russian version of the same). The goal of a joke in this series is to apply this type of substitution to as many words of a sentence as possible while keeping it meaningful. In an extreme example, the following dialog at a construction site between a foreman and a worker turns out to retain its meaning even with all of its 13 words altered this way.

- Why did you load on so much of this stuff? Unload it anywhere you want!

- What's the matter? No way! There is no need to unload! It got loaded just fine! Let's go!

Word-by-word:

- Nahuya (why) dohuya (so much) huyni (of stuff) nahuyarili (you heaped)? Rashuyarivay (deheap) nahuy! (out of here)

- A huli? (What the fuck?) Nihuya! (No way!) Nehuy (No need) rashuyarivat (to remove)! Nahuyucheno ((It) was heaped) nehuyovo! (well)! Pohuyuarili! (Let's go)!

After this example one may readily believe the following semi-apocryphal story. An inspection was expected at a Soviet plant to award it the Quality Mark, so the administration prohibited the usage of mat. On the next day the productivity dropped abruptly. People's Control quickly figured out the reason: miscommunication. It turned out that workers knew all the tools and parts only by their mat-based names: 'huyuska', 'huyovina', 'huyatina' 'huyatinka', etc.; the same went for technological processes: 'othuyachit', 'prihuyachit', 'huynut', 'zahuyarit',...

The CIA installed a bug in a Russian nuclear rocket factory. After a month of listening-in they discovered that the rockets have two details: "huyovina" and "pizdyulina", joined with "poyeben'", and all of them are interchangeable.

Finally, there is the self-referential Bootsmann Joke, which is one of a kind and is known to produce macho contests of who composes the most elaborate, flowery, multi-level obscene masterpiece for the boatswain to utter, but always ends with the same punchline. A loosely translated classical version is as follows:

The bootsmann stepped out the hatch on the deck, stumbled upon an anchor and flopped flat.

"You fucking buggered fucked-up shitty cunt, rotting in motherfucking dick-and-balls filthy hell of fuckedness!" said the boatswain, and then swore profusely.

External links

anekdot.ru, the most popular Russian humor website (in Russian)
http://members.cox.net/marperak/jokes/
Hammer & tickle, Prospect Magazine, May 2006, essay by Ben Lewis on jokes in Communist countries