Narcissistic parent

A narcissistic parent is a parent affected by narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. Typically, narcissistic parents are exclusively and possessively close to their children and are threatened by their children's growing independence. Narcissistic parents are self-absorbed, often to the point of grandiosity. They also tend to be inflexible and lack the empathy necessary for child raising.

Characteristics

Narcissism, as described in Sigmund Freud’s clinical study, includes behaviors such as self-aggrandizement, self-esteem, vulnerability, fear of failure, fear of losing people's affection, reliance on defense mechanisms, perfectionism, and interpersonal conflict.

To maintain their self-esteem and protect their vulnerable true selves, narcissists seek to control others' behavior, particularly that of their children, whom they view as extensions of themselves. Thus, narcissistic parents may speak of "carrying the torch", maintaining the family image, or making the mother or father proud. They may reproach their children for exhibiting weakness, being too dramatic, being selfish, or not meeting expectations. Children of narcissists learn to play their part and to show off their special skills, especially in public or for others.

Destructive narcissistic parents have a pattern of consistently needing to be the focus of attention, exaggerating, seeking compliments, and putting their children down. Punishment in the form of blame, criticism or emotional blackmail, and attempts to induce guilt may be used to ensure compliance with the parent's wishes and fuel their need for narcissistic supply.

Children of narcissists

Narcissism tends to play out intergenerationally, with narcissistic parents producing either narcissistic or codependent children. While a self-confident parent, or good-enough parent, can allow a child autonomous development, the narcissistic parent may instead use the child to promote their own image. A parent concerned with self-enhancement, or with being mirrored and admired by their child, may leave the child feeling like a puppet to the parent's emotional and intellectual demands.

Some common issues in narcissistic parenting result from a lack of appropriate, responsible nurturing. This may lead to a child feeling empty, feeling insecure in loving relationships, developing fears, mistrusting others, experiencing identity conflict, and developing commitment issues.

Short-term and long-term effects

Because of their vulnerability, children are extremely affected by the behavior of a narcissistic parent. A narcissistic parent will often abuse the normal parental role of guiding children and being the primary decision-maker in a child's life, becoming overly possessive and controlling. This possessiveness and excessive control weaken the child; the parent sees the child simply as an extension of the parent. This may affect the child's imagination and level of curiosity, and the child often develops an extrinsic style of motivation. This heightened level of control may be due to the narcissistic parent's need to maintain the child's dependence on them.

Narcissistic parents are quick to anger, putting their children at risk for physical and emotional abuse. To avoid anger and punishment, children of abusive parents often resort to complying with their parent's every demand. This affects both the child's well-being and ability to make logical decisions on their own, and as adults, such individuals often lack self-confidence and the ability to gain control over their lives. Identity crisis, loneliness, and struggle with self-expression are also commonly seen in children raised by a narcissistic parent. The struggle to discover one's self as an adult stems from the substantial amount of projective identification that the now adult experiences as a child.

Mental health effects

Studies have found that children of narcissistic parents have significantly higher rates of depression and lower self-esteem during adulthood than those who did not perceive their caregivers as narcissistic. The parent's lack of empathy towards their child contributes to this, as the child's desires are often denied, their feelings restrained, and their overall emotional well-being ignored.

Children of narcissistic parents are taught to submit and conform, causing them to lose touch of themselves as individuals. This can lead to the child possessing very few memories of feeling appreciated or loved by their parents for being themselves, as they instead associate the love and appreciation with conformity. Children may benefit with distance from the narcissistic parent. Some children of narcissistic parents resort to leaving home during adolescence if they grow to view the relationship with their parent(s) as toxic.

The results of a prior study indicated that narcissistic parenting behaviours have an impact on children's self-esteem far into adulthood. A lot of respondents also mentioned that they needed the approval or affirmation of others in order to feel competent or deserving, and some said that their sense of self depended entirely on how "successful" they perceived themselves to be in terms of their appearance, social life, or academic or professional accomplishments. Respondents also mentioned how these consequences affected their friendships and romantic relationships as adults, and one participant raised concern for how these effects would affect her children.

See also

• Child abuse
• Dysfunctional family
• Effects of domestic violence on children
• Helicopter parent
• Parental bullying of children
• Parenting styles
• Narcissistic personality disorder

Further reading

• Donaldson-Pressman, S & Pressman, RM The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment (1997)
• Miller A The Drama of the Gifted Child, How Narcissistic Parents Form and Deform the Emotional Lives of their Talented Children, Basic Books, Inc (1981)
• Payson, Eleanor The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family (2002) – see Chapter 5