User:EEng

    This page contains material which is considered humorous. It may also contain advice.
    From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


    Welcome to the user page of Edwin Engelbarth.[1]

    The Official Motto of this User Page

    Ha ha, only serious

    This page is especially recommended for those with Ironyalert.gif deficiency.
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    GleasonAndrewMattei Berlin1959.jpg

    MAGA Republicans, take note[edit]

    From our article Howard Mumford Jones:

    In February 1954, Jones gave the dedicatory address at the opening of an addition to the University of Wisconsin's Memorial Library, entitled "Books and the Independent Mind." The crux of his comments was contained in this comment: "While it is true that we in this nation remain free to be idiotic, it does not necessarily follow that we must be idiotic in order to be free!"

    Trump's kid goes to school here. You'll never guess what happened ...[edit]

    From our article on the ethically challenged Oxbridge Academy Foundation:

    Oxbridge Academy Foundation, Inc. is a private coeducational college-preparatory middle and high school in West Palm Beach, Florida. Oxbridge Academy serves grades 7–12. Aimed at students of all socioeconomic backgrounds, the school has physical therapist on staff, chef-prepared lunches, a sailing and equestrian team, and a flight simulator.

    The school was funded with a $50 million donation from Bill Koch. Koch's goal was to create a school for his own children where academically gifted students of all socioeconomic backgrounds could do hands-on projects and learn by problem solving, a place where students ruled. Oxbridge was opened in under a year on a 45-acre campus that once held a Jewish community center. By 2016 he had spent more than $75 million on the school. In 2011, Koch hired Robert C. Parsons to lead the school under titles president and chief executive ...

    In April 2016, Mr. Koch announced that Academic Dean John Klemme would serve as the School's president, placing Mr. Parsons on paid leave pending an investigation of harassment claims. Parsons compensation package was worth $1 million, with an annual salary of about $600,000 per year. On May 27, 2016, Koch fired Parsons and declined to renew the contracts of Director of Athletics Craig Sponsky and the football coach Doug Socha; Koch noted that a "power elites group" in the school "ran the asylum" ... On June 20, 2018, the school announced that it was ending its football program after a number of its players transferred to other schools.

    In 2016, the school self-reported athletic recruiting violations and forfeited all athletic victories for the previous two years ...

    The Crash of 2020[edit]

    From our article on Matthew Freud:

    According to the Sunday Times Rich List in 2020, Freud is worth an estimated £170 million, a decrease of £10 from the previous year.

    Bigmouth[edit]

    From our article "Murder of Alison Shaughnessy" [10]:

    Bernard O'Mahoney, a man who had originally campaigned for the release of the Taylors and who then had an affair with Michelle, has since claimed that she confessed to the murder to him and has campaigned for the sisters to be re-convicted.

    Correction[edit]

    A correction to [11]:

    Don't worry, Donald, it's been 65 years since anyone's been put to death in the US for treasonous collaboration with Russia stealing nuclear secrets.

    Johns[edit]

    The secret lives of Proud Boys[edit]

    From our article on Beautiful Mystery, "one of the earliest commercially produced gay pornographic films in Japan":

    After a night of vigorous intercourse, the couple awaken only to discover that they have overslept and missed the coup.

    More fucking Nazis[edit]

    Re [12], which (AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) was a reaction to [13], question: Did he mean Nazi fuckers, or Nazi-fuckers? The hyphen makes all the difference.

    Followup[edit]

    In the opinion of John Adams [14]:

    In monarchy the crime of treason may admit of being pardoned or lightly punished, but the man who dares rebel against the laws of a republic ought to suffer death.

    You really fucked up this time, Donnie boy.

    Schindler's lift[edit]

    66 rue de la pomme - 36392934263.jpg

    Museum of best-laid plans[edit]

    (From the much-missed MjolnirPants:)

    Unbeknownst to me, my password manager saved my scrambled password ...

    Party pooper[edit]

    [15]

    No surprise, come to think of it[edit]

    From the instructions for Form 1, the Massachusetts Resident Income Tax Return

    Q: What is the Massachusetts voluntary higher tax rate?

    A: You can elect to voluntarily pay tax at a rate of 5.85% on taxable income which would otherwise be taxed at a rate of 5%. Very few people make this election.

    Museum of Regionalisms that Maybe Don't Travel So Well[edit]

    From the Washington Post}, "Three firefighters from the same station had babies in a 24-hour span" (March 30, 2022):

    But on Feb. 20, the men – Frederick, Michael Irvine and Kyle Dean – saw each other at Spotsylvania Regional Medical Center. To their shock and amusement, their sons were born in the same 24-hour period. "We were surprised that we all ended up there at the same time," Dean said with the understatement of a first responder who has seen a lot of unusual things on the job.

    The men thought they should perhaps burn off some nervous energy by setting up a cornhole game during their downtime at the hospital, the same way they pass time at the firehouse. They quickly decided their two wives and one fiancee wouldn’t like that.

    I would think not.

    Failed the quantitative section of the LSAT[edit]

    From "The Myth of Fingerprints", an episode of Law & Order:

    Expert in lab coat: I found seven false positives out of the twenty that I tested.

    Assistant DA: <shakes head in disbelief> That's almost a third!

    Burning issues of the day[edit]

    From MSNBC's on-screen "crawl" during its coverage of the 2021 Colorado wildfires:

    LIVE INTERVIEW: BOULDER MAYOR ON FIRE

    Good idea[edit]

    From our overcooked article on the Donner Party:

    The next morning, the group stripped the muscle and organs from the bodies of Antonio, Dolan, Graves, and Murphy. They dried them to store for the days ahead, taking care to ensure nobody would have to eat his or her relatives.

    Sentences we didn't finish reading[edit]

    From our article on Terminal cleaning:

    Terminal cleaning is a cleaning method used in healthcare environments ...

    The Adventures of ... SUPERMAN![edit]

    From news item, "Massachusetts man who stopped armed robbery honored with prestigious Carnegie Medal", September 24, 2021 [16]:

    LaPierre saved a mother and her baby from a crushed car in Canton, put a Newton neighborhood at ease when he quickly found a missing 8-foot python and is now being honored for stopping an armed robbery.

    Museum of very, very naughty people[edit]

    Headline, June 2, 2021:

    Doctor who took part in illegal rectal search pleads guilty in federal drug case

    Museum of creative ways to encourage civic engagement[edit]

    Headline in the Decatur, Illinois, Herald & Review, June 9, 2010:

    Former Bloomington police officer appeals rape conviction based on too much pornography being shown to jury

    One of these is not like the others[edit]

    From our article University of Tennessee Health Science Center:
    ==Notable alumni==
    • Winfield C. Dunn, DDS, Class of 1955, Tennessee Governor 1971–1975
    • William E. Evans, PharmD, Class of 1975, director and CEO of St. Jude Children's Research Hospital from 2004 to 2014.
    • Randy McNally, MPharm, Class of 1969, Lieutenant Governor of Tennessee 2017–present.
    • Rhea Seddon, MD, Class of 1973, former NASA astronaut and eighth woman inducted into the U.S. Astronaut Hall of Fame
    • Christopher Duntsch, neurosurgeon sentenced to life in prison for intentionally botching 32 surgeries that killed two patients and paralyzed two others

    Nothing and Beingness[edit]

    With thanks to Andrew Lancaster

    Museum of Ass-ential Services[edit]

    From our article on Homobiles, "an American nonprofit organization founded in 2011 which provides rides primarily to the San Francisco LGBT community [focusing] on customers that taxis did not want to pick up – those wearing glitter, assless chaps, or unable to pay the fare":

    Some riders report that they are unable to get rides due to their glitter makeup as the glitter can be hard for the driver to clean up following the ride.

    Museum of Unnecessary Categories[edit]

    This typo was so full of amusing possibilities that I really hated to kill it[edit]

    From our article Flight attendant:

    The Vicki Barr: Flight Stewardess book series, in which Vicki's career "brings her glamorous friends, exciting adventures, loyal roommates and dates with a hand some young pilot and an up-and-coming reporter" ...

    Museum of Better Reword That[edit]

    MSNBC anchor Katy Tur teasing an upcoming segment, Feb. 22, 2010:

    And still ahead ... more than five decades after their deaths, the daughters of Malcolm X and Martin Luther King come together for an extraordinary discussion about their fathers' legacies, and the future.

    Personal note: After watching the interview I'm bound to say that for people dead five decades they look remarkably lifelike.

    Really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY Better Reword That[edit]

    Edit summary for an edit to our article "Catholic Church sexual abuse cases":

    Priest gets off [17]

    And while you're rewording things ...[edit]

    Reporter Hallie Jackson interviewing Representative Jim Clyburn on MSNBC, January 12, 2023:

    Some of your colleagues on the other side of the aisle have drawn parallels between what is happening now as it relates to the revelation of these classified documents found in the president's private areas and what happened with former president Trump.

    Museum of Somewhat Odd Juxtapositions[edit]

    From the lead of Joseph P. Kennedy Jr.:

    He was posthumously awarded the Navy Cross and was the eldest of nine children born to Joseph P. Kennedy Sr. (1888–1969) and Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy (1890–1995).

    Museum of Possibly Unnecessary Information[edit]

    CNN anchor Yasmin Vossoughian (February 21, 2021) filling us in on a jetliner engine failure which began with a "loud boom", after which "debris from the engine fell out of the sky":

    Passengers in the plane were shocked.

    Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned from The Twilight Zone[edit]

    From The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street#Plot:

    Lights begin flashing on and off in houses throughout the neighborhood; lawnmowers and car engines start and stop for no apparent reason. The mob becomes hysterical, hurling accusations, smashing windows, and taking up weapons as the situation devolves into an all-out riot.

    The scene cuts to a nearby hilltop, where it is revealed the shadow that flew overhead is, indeed, an alien spaceship. Its crew are watching the riot on Maple Street while using a device to manipulate the neighborhood's power. They comment on how simply fiddling with consistency leads people to descend into paranoia and panic, and that this is a pattern that can be exploited. They also discuss their intention to use this strategy to conquer Earth, one neighborhood at a time. They then ascend a stairway into their spaceship.

    Museum of Cultural Differences[edit]

    Alarming information from our article on Dutch babies:

    A Dutch baby is always baked in the oven, rather than being fried on both sides on the stove top.

    Now Not available in stores![edit]

    EEng

    Dr. Seuss's Guide to Wikipedia

    One hundred years ago, Theodor Seuss Geisel (better known as "Dr. Seuss") arguably began his writing career by authoring a book review of a railroad timetable and contributing to the Dartmouth College humor magazine Jack-O-Lantern.[2] Since then millions of children – young and old – have delighted in the wit and wisdom of his iconic books with their hallucinatory illustrations. In celebration of this centennial, The Signpost has blatantly hijacked some of Seuss's most familiar works (and a few less familiar ones) in service of the perhaps questionable goal of indoctrinating a new generation of editors in the wacky ways of Wikipedia.
    Ted Geisel NYWTS 2.jpg
    Dr. Seuss wore many hats but never fished.
    "It's a pretty good zoo",
    said young Gerald McGrew,
    "And the fellow who runs it
    seems proud of it, too."
    – Dr. Seuss, If I Ran the Zoo

    All around the world
    they're editing.
    And so they don't need me.
    Let others edit Switzerland
    or Memphis, Tennessee.
    Let them edit in Alaska
    and in China.
    I don't care.
    Let others edit Italy.
    Let others edit Spain.
    Let them edit Massachusetts,
    Connecticut and Maine.
    Someone else can edit London
    and Paris and Berlin.
    Let them edit all they want to.
    But not me.
    I'm sleeping in.[10]

    Just go. Go. GO! I don't care how.
    You can go edit foot. You can go edit cow.[11]

    My wonderful weapon, the Rollbacker-Snatchem,
    will roll back those edits as quick as we catch 'em.[12]

    You have brains in your head.
    You have feet in your shoes.
    You can redirect articles
    any places you choose.[13]

    Ei! What a committee! Fit for its purpose!
    Our clerks they love clerking. They say, "Work us! Please work us!
    We'll clerk and we'll clerk until we're lightheaded
    (But you'll only see half 'cause discussion's unthreaded!)" [14]

    I learned there are vandals of more than one kind.
    Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
    But they gave me the bit – I'm all ready you see.
    Now those vandals are going

    to be blocked by me! [20]

    I'll just have to fix it. Because, after all
    An error's an error, no matter how small.[26]

    I meant what I said, and I said what I meant ...
    ArbCom is faithful, one hundred per cent! [27]

    Link internal, external, piped or unpiped.
    Oh, the links you can link up however you like!
    Don't link left-wing or right-wing, promo or spam.
    Practice safe linking whenever you can! [28]

    Wrote the Far Western part
    Of south-east North Dakota
    ,
    And a very fine article
    About the iota,
    But I'll write a stub
    That is even much finer
    On the north-eastern west part
    Of South Carolina
    .[36]

    Editors know, up top you see great sights,
    but down here at the bottom, we too should have rights.[37]

    FATHER MOTHER SISTER BROTHER
    That wasn't me, it was my brother.
    My brother edits little bits
    Fixing words like its and it's.[46]
    ———
    *Non-geeks should refer to our article on POP3.


    A Little Dab'll Do Ya!
    Brylcreem-new-n-old.jpg
    Too Many Dabs[47]

    Too Many Debs
    58th International Debutante Ball 2012, New York City (Waldorf-Astoria Hotel) (cropped).jpg



    Aides-mémoire[edit]

    Thanks Doc, we couldn't have done it without you!
    Bonus video
    video icon
    I do not like that single-payer,
    I do not want it for my Bayer.
    I will not use Obamacare,
    I will not use it anywhere.
    I will not use it for a sprain,
    I will not use it in the brain.
    I will not use it for my gout,
    I will not use it on my snout.
    I will not use it for my head,
    I will not use it when I've bled.
    I will not use it here or there,
    I will not use it anywhere! [48]

         "I'm telling you this
               'cause you're one of my friends.
         My alphabet starts
               where your alphabet ends! ...
         So, on beyond Z!
               It's high time you were shown
         That you really don't know
               All there is to be known."
    — Dr. Seuss, On Beyond Zebra!
    1. ^ Not really. [1]
    2. ^ Lathem, Edward Connery, ed. (2004) [1976]. "The Beginnings of Dr. Seuss: An Informal Reminiscence". Dartmouth College. Retrieved 2021-01-22.
    3. ^ Dr. Seuss's ABC
    4. ^ One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish
    5. ^ I Can Lick 30 Tigers Today! and Other Stories
    6. ^ I Can Read with My Eyes Shut!
    7. ^ Come over to My House
    8. ^ Hooray for Diffendoofer Day!
    9. ^ The Bippolo Seed and Other Lost Stories
    10. ^ I Am Not Going to Get Up Today!: "All around the world / they're getting up. / And that's okay with me. / Let the kids get up in Switzerland / ... or Memphis, Tennessee. / Let the kids get up in Alaska / ... and in China. / I don't care. / Let the kids get up in Italy. / Let the kids get up in Spain. / Let them get up in Massachusetts / and Connecticut and Maine. / Let the kids get up in London / and in Paris and Berlin. / Let them get up all they want to. / But not me. / I'm sleeping in."
    11. ^ Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Now!: "Just go. Go. GO! / I don't care how. / You can go by foot. / You can go by cow."
    12. ^ The Butter Battle Book: ""My wonderful weapon, the Jigger-Rock Snatchem, / will fling 'em right back just as quick as we catch 'em."
    13. ^ Oh, the Places You'll Go!: "You have brains in your head. / You have feet in your shoes. / You can steer yourself any direction you choose."
    14. ^ If I Ran the Circus: "Ei! Ei! What a circus! My Circus McGurkus! / My workers love work. They say, "Work us! Please work us! / We'll work and we'll work up so many surprises / You'd never see half if you had forty eyeses!"
    15. ^ You're Only Old Once!
    16. ^ Oh Say Can You Say?
    17. ^ Great Day for Up!
    18. ^ Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?
    19. ^ How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
    20. ^ I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew: "And I learned there are troubles / Of more than one kind. / Some come from ahead / And some come from behind. / But I've bought a big bat. / I'm all ready, you see. / Now my troubles are going / To have troubles with me!"
    21. ^ And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street
    22. ^ The Foot Book
    23. ^ Green Eggs and Ham
    24. ^ Horton Hatches the Egg
    25. ^ My Book about ME
    26. ^ Horton Hears a Who!: "I'll just have to save him. Because, after all, / A person's a person, no matter how small."
    27. ^ Horton Hatches the Egg: "I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. / An elephant's faithful, one hundred per cent!"
    28. ^ Oh, the Thinks You Can Think!: "Think left and think right / and think low and think high. / Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!"
    29. ^ Daisy-Head Mayzie
    30. ^ Horton and the Kwuggerbug and More Lost Stories
    31. ^ What Pet Should I Get?
    32. ^ Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose
    33. ^ The King's Stilts
    34. ^ Bartholomew and the Oobleck
    35. ^ The Shape of Me and Other Stuff
    36. ^ If I Ran the Zoo: "In the Far Western part / Of south-east North Dakota / Lives a very fine animal / Called the Iota. / But I'll capture one / Who is even much finer / In the north-eastern west part / Of South Carolina."
    37. ^ Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories: "I know, up on top you are seeing great sights, / But down here at the bottom, we, too, should have rights."
    38. ^ Horton Hears a Who!: "Are you sure every Who down in Who-ville is working? / Quick! Look through your town! Is there anyone shirking?"
    39. ^ Oh, the Places You'll Go!: "I'm sorry to say so / but, sadly, it's true / that Bang-ups / and Hang-ups / can happen to you."
    40. ^ There's a Wocket in My Pocket
    41. ^ Fox in Socks
    42. ^ The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T.
    43. ^ Dr. Seuss's Sleep Book
    44. ^ The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins
    45. ^ The Cat in the Hat
    46. ^ Hop on Pop: "FATHER / MOTHER / SISTER / BROTHER / That one is my other brother. / My brothers read a little bit. / Little words like / If and it."
    47. ^ Too Many Daves
    48. ^ Green Eggs and Ham: "I will not eat them in the rain. / I will not eat them on a train. / Not in the dark! Not in a tree! / Not in a car! You let me be! / I do not like them in a box. / I do not like them with a fox. / I will not eat them in a house. / I do not like them with a mouse. / I do not like them here or there. / I do not like them ANYWHERE! / I do not like green eggs and ham! / I do not like them, / Sam-I-am."


    You might say he fucked the country over[edit]

    Senator Charles Schumer speaking on the floor of the United States Senate, January 22, 2021:

    The fact is, the House will deliver the Article of Impeachment to the Senate. The Senate will conduct a trial of the impeachment of Donald Trump. It will be a full trial. It will be a fair trial. But make no mistake: there will be a trial, and when that trial ends senators will have to decide if they believe Donald John Trump incited the erection ... insurrection against the United States.

    Jesus incites Lazarus to resurrection
    Followup (February 12): Attorney Michael van der Veen, possibly not fully briefed on the issue at bar, defending Donald Trump during Trump's second trial:

    To litigate questions of election integrity within the system is not incitement to resurrection ...




    Even opinions lose their immunity, when the circumstances in which they are expressed are such as to constitute their expression a positive instigation to some mischievous act. An opinion that corn-dealers are starvers of the poor, or that private property is robbery, ought to be unmolested when simply circulated through the press, but may justly incur punishment when delivered orally to an excited mob assembled before the house of a corn-dealer, or when handed about among the same mob in the form of a placard.

    Mill, On Liberty, Ch. III


    Attention!

    One of your friends or neighbors may be eligible for free room and board, at government expense, for ten to forty years – for a few lucky Grand Prize winners, even for life!

    If you recognize anyone in the photos here, follow the instructions given to alert the Prize Patrol to schedule a visit. Won't your neighbor be surprised!

     

    These are the Times that dry men's soles.
    Click here

    [1]

    Deranged sociopath. Also a moron.
    From our article on Black Rod, essentially the House of Commons's sergeant-at-arms:

    Black Rod is best known for their part in the ceremonies surrounding the State Opening of Parliament and the Speech from the throne. They summon the Commons to attend the speech and lead them to the Lords. As part of the ritual, the doors to the chamber of the House of Commons are slammed in the approaching Black Rod's face. This is to symbolise the Commons' independence of the Sovereign. Black Rod then strikes the door three times with the staff, and is then admitted and issues the summons of the monarch to attend. ... This ritual is derived from the attempt by King Charles I to arrest the Five Members in 1642, in what was seen as a breach of the constitution.

    Those who don't know how that turned out, see Execution of Charles I. But don't worry, Donald, it's been 65 years since anyone's been put to death in the US for treasonous collaboration with Russia. And speaking of deranged sociopaths:

    Suddenly, Hitler began to make one of his characteristic speeches: "Everyone has lied to me, everyone has deceived me, no one has told me the truth. The armed forces have lied to me and now the SS have left me in the lurch. The German people has not fought heroically, it deserves to perish. It is not I who have lost the war, but the German people."

    And everyone knows how that turned out.

    References

    1. ^ Pun credit: Safire

    We interrupt our regular programming for
    a special message from Charlie Chaplin (1940)


    Only the unloved hate – the unloved and the unnatural.
    A decent world that will give men a chance to work – that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfil that promise.
    Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people.

    To those who can hear me, I say – do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed – the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

    Soldiers! Don’t give yourselves to brutes – men who despise you – enslave you – who regiment your lives – tell you what to do – what to think and what to feel! Who drill you – diet you – treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don’t give yourselves to these unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don’t hate! Only the unloved hate – the unloved and the unnatural! Soldiers! Don’t fight for slavery! Fight for liberty!

    In the 17th Chapter of St Luke it is written: “the Kingdom of God is within man” – not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people have the power – the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure.

    Then – in the name of democracy – let us use that power – let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world – a decent world that will give men a chance to work – that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfil that promise. They never will!

    Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people! Now let us fight to fulfil that promise! Let us fight to free the world – to do away with national barriers – to do away with greed, with hate and intolerance. Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men’s happiness. Soldiers! In the name of democracy, let us all unite!


    Unnatural men – machine men with machine minds and machine hearts.


    VOTE!
    And if anyone tries to stop you, call 866-OUR-VOTE.


    November 7: Pack your bags. You're fired, loser.


    Ever wonder what Trump's final minutes in office will be like?
    Click here for the answer.
    ... or here.



    We now rejoin our regularly scheduled broadcast, already in progress[edit]

    A message for visitors: For performance reasons some of the more image-heavy exhibits have been moved to User:EEng/Museum Annex. The Annex is free and open to the public.









    Wikipedia's all-time greatest pun
    We actually have an article on "goat towers", which are – and I am not making this up – "multi-story decorative goat houses" for some reason commonly found in vineyards. And so perhaps it was inevitable that, in the course of a discussion of this article, the following would bubble up from the fertile but warped mind of our fellow editor Martinevans123 [18]:
    Warning! You could die laughing.
    Remember, you were warned.

    Marvin Gaye kept a goat in my vineyard. He'd herd it through the grapevine.




    Hierarchy of editor subservience by nagualdesign

    Your season tickets to The Museums are valid at WP:AE. Userbox by Ritchie333[19].


    If only it were so...

    From a discussion at AN:

    "This episode, to my mind highlights a very big flaw in the functioning of wikipedia. Namely, that certain users who have an elevated status: 'admins' are able to act without impunity."


    A tip for the historically ignorant

    The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole. Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else.

    Theodore Roosevelt (1918)


    We thank Thee, O Lord, for another day without whining from someone who doesn't get the joke.
    A Note to the Humor-Impaired

    One should beware of those who cannot or will not laugh when others are merry, for if not mentally defective they are spiteful, selfish or abnormally conceited ... Great men of all nations and of all times have possessed a keen appreciation of the ridiculous, as wisdom and wit are closely allied.

    Leander Hamilton McCormick, Characterology; an exact science embracing physiognomy, phrenology and pathognomy, reconstructed, amplified and amalgamated ... (1920)

    Another Note to the Humor-Impaired

    Dourness is repulsive both to the healthy and the sick.

    Hippocrates


    D-W003 Warnung vor giftigen Stoffen ty nuvola.svg
    This page is under destruction.
    ZAP!No user-serviceable parts inside.
    No not.pngThis user has opted out of revert notifications. You should, too!



    Octagon-warning.svg This user has been blocked several times, and isn't embarrassed about it - (admire my block log here!).
    • In some cases "unblockable" has meant "behaves inappropriately but has too many supporters to keep blocked". But in some cases it may mean "repeatedly triggers others to behave with inappropriate authoritarianism and is unblocked when it becomes apparent that the authoritarianism was inappropriate". [20]
    • The most notorious occasion this problem arises is probably with the self-appointed civility cops. Someone can make a talkpage comment which twenty different people see and conclude is non-problematic, but it only takes one admin to misinterpret it and the editor in question gets blocked. EEng is probably the most obvious example of this, but the problem is that most normal people aren't as sanguine as EEng in this situation ...[21]


    ipaThe IPA pronunciation of this username is apparently /ˈŋ/
    An ANI Limerick

    Wikipedia's not for the meek.
    You need a de-stress technique.
    Sip tea with biscotti,
    go fish – try karate.
    But edit war? Blocked for a week!

    Levivich (adapted)

    This editor is a cheque-user.

    Resources offered:

    • I will be happy to supply, for use in developing articles, materials cataloged here (digital materials are easy, scans of hardcopies may take some time).


    Because some have asked...

    • The material on this page is meant to increase other editors' pleasure in contributing (by providing modest amusement they can enjoy during breaks from editing) or to assist them in becoming more effective editors (by illustrating various aspects of Wikipedia as a social environment e.g. [22])
    • In humor based on political events, Democratic figures are featured as well as Republican (e.g. [23]) though unfortunately the former opportunities don't arise very often, because e.g. Clinton and Obama just aren't as amusing as the Republican nominee. Note: This wing of the Museums temporarily closed pending approval by the castigatores of such material as is conducive to the regimen morum.
    WikiProject Department of Fun (Rated NA-class, Bottom-importance)
    WikiProject iconThis page is supported by the Department of Fun, which aims to provide Wikipedians with fun so that they stay on Wikipedia and keep on improving articles. If you have any ideas, do not hesitate to post them to the discussion page or access our home page to join the Department of Fun.
    NA This page does not require a rating on the quality scale.
     Bottom  This page has been rated as Bottom-importance on the importance scale.
     
    ===> Sincere disclaimer <===

    Material on this page apparently relating to living or recently deceased persons is satire intended to improve the editing experience by providing amusement and entertainment to editors seeking a break from editing. It does not constitute assertions of fact.

    Museum of Distorted Quotations Taken Out Of Context[edit]

    Superman S symbol.svg                                                    Superman S symbol.svg

    EEng [is] a general force for good.

    LlywelynII[24]

    Under construction.svg

    "Editors such as EEng are very constructive."

    BrownHairedGirl[25]

    A reminder to visitors

    EEng is correct. There are not many exceptions to this nearly universal rule.

    Dondervogel_2[26]

    EEng, per usual, is correct.

    TonyBallioni[27]

    Emojione 1F60B.svg                      Where Angels Fear to Tread                      Emoticon tongue.svg

    No one dare criticize EEng.

    Nfitz[28]

    Face-angel.svg                      So there!                      Face-devil-grin.svg

    EEng (despite his block log, which is not as bad as it looks at first glance if you understand it) ...

    Doug Weller[29]

    A wise, compassionate, magical authority (both temporal and spiritual); mysterious and benevolent guide... guardian and saviour... despite his gentle and loving nature, he is powerful and can be dangerous....

    Primergrey (via C.S. Lewis)[30]

    My personal opinion of your value to the project had been "on the fence", but I'm back on two feet.

    FlightTime[31], see also [32]

    We have a lot of mental health problems.

    —Donald Trump[33]

    EEng, for those playing at home, is unique in Wikipedia.

    Randy Kryn[34]

    Wise and mature

    —BushelCandle[35]

    Experienced and respected

    TonyBallioni[36]

    One of Wikipedia's less friendly and more volatile users ... an incurably rude and disruptive personality whose idea of good manners is most definitely not within the mainstream.

    —CrowsNest[37]

    A Holden Caufield-esque cynical iconoclast

    Vjmlhds[38]

    I tend to agree with EEng.

    WhatamIdoing[39]

    Monumental dick … Yes, it can be hard.

    —CrowsNest[40][41]

    Sylvie and Bruno illustration scan 19.png                                                  Putrajaya Hot Air Balloon Fiesta 2009 - Clown.jpg

    You play the role of Wiki-jester quite well ... good for the sanity of the community.

    Lepricavark[42]

    In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king

    EEng is a wise voice – listening to what he says is generally a very good plan.

    Begoon[43]

    EEng is well known for his good humour.

    Mgasparin's Law: As a discussion on ANI gets longer, the probability that EEng will add a sarcastic comment or image approaches 1.

    [44] (and see also WP:Lugo's law)

    It's always nice to be not totally unappreciated

    You have transformed shooting off your mouth into a not totally unappreciated artform

    Cullen328[45]

    EEng who, and I'm fairly confident that he would agree with me on this, seems pretty much flameproof, and who is quite capable of breathing hilarious-but-scorching flame himself when the need arises.

    Girth Summit[46]

    It's a relief to deal with someone on Wikipedia who has a sense of humor

    Littleolive oil[47]

    Speechless Amazement

    ...

    Puddleglum2.0[48]

    Jesus was wrong in that most would agree there is to be only one EEng blessing shared space-time.

    What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.

    Adam37Ecclesiastes 1:9

    The Curator doesn't really understand the significance of that last one.

    You know when EEng talks about getting serious, it's, you know, serious... :-)

    IamNotU

    A man after my own heart

    Dr. Codman was a self-described atheist and was known to provoke his peers with exaggeration and humor.

    [49]

    He was a complete jackass, but funny's funny.

    —What I hope will be my epitaph, as formulated by Valereee in another context.[50]

    The last vestige of intelligent life on earth can't keep his checkbook balanced

    A little beacon of hope that, maybe, all signs of intelligent life are not yet lost on this planet.

    92.41.96.241[51]

    Clearly has me mixed up with someone else

    An honourable editor ... with the highest ethical standards

    Dondervogel 2[52]

    What the Critics Are Saying[edit]

    "EEng's talk page"[8]
    Editor's note: Though easily mis­taken for a roll of toilet paper, the above is in fact an ancient and pre­cious parch­ment bearing great wisdom.[citation needed]

    Your user page is truly epic

    Altercari[53]

    One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure

    One of the treasures of Wikipedia

    Randy Kryn[54]

    The greatest talk page on Wikipedia

    TonyBallioni[55]

    "Less boring"

    Kurtis[56]

    "Fun but dangerous!"

    Thnidu[57]

    Wikipedia Must Be The Saddest Place on Earth

    I have had EEng's talk and userpage on my Watchlist for two months because they are the most fun places on Wikipedia.

    Softlavender[58]

    Wikipedia's Bearability Hangs by a Thread
    a.k.a.
    I'm not a professor of neuroscience (but apparently I play one on Wikipedia)

    EEng is a funny guy. If it weren't for the odd joker like him, WP would be utterly unbearable.... He's a professor of neuroscience at Harvard and pretty much singlehandedly wrote one of the best articles on the 'pedia (Phineas Gage)

    "krakenawakes" at WikiInAction

    I think a lot of folks from the @Wikimedia & @Wikipedia communities think this is funny but the editor working on Phineas Gage has severe mental health issues.

    "Erika Herzog" (and see [59])

    Some masterful baiting... by Wikipedia's many master baiters.

    Tryptofish

    A puerile jokester ...

    Reyk

    I prefer having a good-natured jokester around instead of a joyless and dried-up everyman.

    TheGracefulSlick

    ... like going to a good museum ... humorous but intelligent ... interesting, entertaining, and educational

    Randy Kryn[60]

    Highly appreciated, and extraordinarily valuable.

    Mendaliv[61]

    His userpage is possibly unique in that it pisses you off, makes you laugh, and shocked, sometimes all at once

    Iazyges[62]


    Barnstar of Humour Hires.png The Barnstar of Good Humor
    I haven't checked out your userpage in a long while, but I laughed so hard (I particularly liked the "head in the sand" picture) I nearly snorted coffee out of my nose. PS: I would like to apologise for being tempted to go to the dark side.... Ritchie333 (talk) (cont) 12:30, 20 March 2015 (UTC)


    St Lawrence Market in Toronto.jpg The Rather Unusual User Page Award
    Not sure what my definition of a "rather usual" userpage would be, but it wouldn't be that.[63]


    "This is a very long page."[64]

    Barnstar of Humour3.png The Barnstar of Good Humor
    For your medicine against chronic wikidespair.
    Consult your doctor before trying this medicine. Symptoms include: a systemic allergic reaction, a worsening
    of withdrawal symptoms for not placing {{ANI-notice}} in months, and casting the first stone.
    [65]


    "childish and irresponsible"[66]

    No barnstar is better than this barnstar, believe me!

    Donald Trump Barnstar.png The Donald Trump Barnstar
    Your userpage is hilarious. MB298 (talk) 00:17, 30 October 2016 (UTC)
    Barnstar of Humour Hires.png The Barnstar of Good Humor
    Your new gallery made me laugh even harder than the admittedly rambunctious Trump Museums. Astonishing, flabbergasting, yyuuuge!!! — JFG talk 20:14, 20 December 2016 (UTC)


    Ultra-Cool User Page... After looking again at this work of art ....... I'm speechless. What a man! And might the gentleman's first name be Albert? EE=ng2

    I'm ashamed to say

    An untidy user page may signify an untidy mind and careless work.

    WP:Advice_for_RfA_candidates

    A Note to Readers

    We have concluded to publish this work, though it falls short of what it ought to be, and would have been, if circumstances had permitted us to devote more time to its completion. We are well aware of its imperfections and defects. But, with all its faults, we flatter ourselves the it contains much interesting and hitherto unpublished information ...

    Our object has been to condense this matter within the smallest space, well knowing that, in this age of instantaneous electric communication, very few have the patience to read large volumes.

    We have followed no particular author, servilely, but formed our own conclusions by comparing the opinions of the different authors, more than one hundred in number ... We may have fallen in to some mistakes regarding dates of events, or names of persons or parties, but such errors are hardly avoidable in a work of such wide scope.

    — Hugh Quigley, The Irish race in California and on the Pacific Coast: with an introductory historical dissertation on the principal races of mankind, and a vocabulary of ancient and modern Irish family names (1878)

    A strange cross between the drill [sergeant] and Private Joker in Full Metal Jacket.

    Mrs. Pace Owl

    Preface

    In offering a work to the public, it is customary to preface it with a few remarks, which are generally considered in the light of an apology by the public... but, as we have done nothing of which we are ashamed, we have nothing to apologize for.

    Great Trans-Continental Railway Guide (Crofutt & Eaton, 1870)

    WARNING!

    Everyone knows the risk they take by visiting your talk page.

    Natureium

    EEng's humor can be like drinking gin. The first time, you may say, "Ugh! Horrid! Disgusting!" After a few more times, you may say, "Ugh! Revolting! Disgusting!"

    Dlohcierekim

    A bit like finding an annotated kaleidoscope

    —An offwiki friend

    These jokes are performed by a trained professional; don't try this at home

    Leave the jokes to EEng. He's funny.

    Hawkeye7

    Great quote!

    Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.

    Mr. Oscar Wilde

    ... that welcome combination of a) sanity-restoring absurdist humour and b) the potential for making an editor completely forget the reason they went to the page in the first place.

    JG66[67]


    User essays worth reading[edit]

  • WP:If MOS doesn't need a rule on something, then it needs to not have a rule on that thing
  • WP:Iron Law of Infobox Ubiquity
  • WP:Please shoot yourself in the foot (cf. WP:Don't shoot yourself in the foot)
  • Wikipedia:Noted not notable – help invited
  • WP:ASSUMEGODFAITH – not (yet) worth reading, actually.
  • WP:BENOTBOLD
  • Wikipedia:Queen Elizabeth slipped majestically into the water
  • WP:LOCATION Location, location, location! (plus WP:AREYOUBEINGSERVED)
  • WP:INTOTHEWOULDS Needs to be split out
  • WP:ANIFLU
  • Wikipedia:Editors you might confuse WP:Editors who may be confused
  • Wikipedia:We_are_not_as_dumb_as_you_think_we_are
  • User:Guy Macon/Yes. We are biased. (towards science and against pseudoscience, towards astronomy and against astrology ...)
  • User:Physchim62/Situation Normal: All FACked up re the dysfunction of the FA process
  • Angry Wikipe-tan.pngThis user feels physical pain when hearing others refer to Wikipedia as "Wiki".
    Wikipedia:Don't call it "Wiki" – People who do are usually trouble


  • Handy templates[edit]

    • {{FBDB}} – Friendly banter – don't block!
    • {{Confused?}} – This editor may be confused.

    Ode to ANI[edit]

    AN I a bad cad or tormentor insist.gif
    AN Morons bad ANI edict.gif

    One fine day in the middle of the night, / Two dead boys got up to fight,
    Back to back they faced each other, / Drew their swords and shot each other,
    One was blind and the other couldn’t, see / So they chose a dummy for a referee.
    A blind man went to see fair play, / A dumb man went to shout “hooray!”
    A paralysed donkey passing by, / Kicked the blind man in the eye,
    Knocked him through a nine inch wall, / Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,
    A deaf policeman heard the noise, / And came to arrest the two dead boys,
    If you don’t believe this story’s true, / Ask the blind man he saw it too!

    Some Entertaining Diversions[edit]

    See also this burst of creativity.


    Welcome, new editors![edit]

    Draw near, new editor, that you may learn from these WP policies conveniently arrayed about me!
    A newbie (brown) offers his stub to a New Page Patroller (green). If it fails to satisfy her she'll bite his head off.
    Now manning the help desk


    You have been warned: typical humor on this page
    Caribbean parakeets (Aratinga pertinax).jpg
    How To Avoid Pricks

    When you land in a place that is prickly at best,
    And feathers get ruffled – you've disturbed someone's nest;
    Be cautious when offering friendly advice,
    Lest you suddenly find your two orbs in a vise.
    Lessons are learned, but to do so takes practice,

    To avoid getting pricked when you land on a cactus.

    Face-grin.svg Atsme📞📧 (reflecting on [68])

    DS UNAWARE NOTICE

    If you came here to alert me to DS for whatever, I guess you better do it because I can't remember what sanctions there are for what topics so I just try to do the best I can with the modest faculties God gave me.


    A Little History[edit]

    First they came for the userboxes...
    The ANI pileon juggernaut rolls on, heedless
    Keep smiling, or this could be you!
    Block! Unblock! Block! Unblock! Rabbit Season! Duck Season! FIRE!!!
    The beatings will continue until morale improves.
    When users do something that administrators don't like, but when the users not only disagree but have the temerity to object to the sanctions levied against them by administrators, is this an unacceptable dissent against the powers-that-be that must, always, be quashed by any means necessary?
    I'm probably hyperbolizing here, but I think this is how the issue appears to the EEng's of the world. And some, at least, of the EEng's of the world are here to help build the encyclopedia. We say "The free encyclopedia that anyone can edit", not "The benevolent dictatorship encyclopedia that docile and compliant rule-followers can edit as long as they remember their place and are always properly respectful towards ADMINISTRATORS." So, please, if that's not the message you want to send, just let these userboxes go. And if you want to boot a user off the project for not being here to help build the encyclopedia, please do it for a more substantive reason than that the user refuses to say "Uncle" when confronted by admins.
    Steve Summit (talk) 19:46, 6 February 2015 (UTC) [69]
    An admin upholds one of the five pillars without throwing his weight around.
    And finally, to each admin who says, "Well, I wouldn't have blocked, but I don't feel like overturning it": what you're condoning is a situation in which every editor is at the mercy of the least restrained, most trigger-happy admin who happens to stumble into any given situation. Don't you see how corrosive that is? It's like all these recent US police shootings: no matter how blatantly revolting an officer's actions were, the monolithic reply is "It was by the book. Case closed." This [admin] was way out of line from the beginning in deleting multiple editors' posts (as someone suggested, hatting would have made complete sense, and troubled me not at all) and when called on it above, he gives a middle-finger-raised LOL. No wonder so many see haughty arrogance in much of the admin corps around here.
    —EEng 05:38, 16 January 2015 (UTC) [70]

    And let me be clear: I have no problem with 97% of admins, who do noble work in return for (generally) either no recognition or shitloads of grief, only occasionally punctuated by thanks. But the other 3%‍—‌whoa, boy, watch out!

    —EEng 20:02, 6 February 2015 (UTC) [71]

    First annual caption contest[edit]

    Click here and contribute your own.

    • "Shit! I left the tub running!" EEng 05:09, 28 April 2017 (UTC)

    A very sensible idea[edit]

    I hereby propose "overextended-confirmed protection" under which you can only edit after proving that you have other things to do and really should be spending your time somewhere other than Wikipedia. Would cut down on a lot of nonsense, I think.Dumuzid

    EEng's half-serious list of topics on which WP should just drop all coverage as not worth the drama[edit]

    • Footy players
    • Beauty pageants
    • Music genres
    • Pornstars
    • Anything related to Ru Paul
    • Video games
    • Japanese comics and animation
    • Snooker
    • Cricket
    • Catalan separatism
    • Railroad rolling stock specs
    • Precise vehicle production dates and similar worthless crap [72][73]
    • Dog breeds
    • Unrecognized micronations [74]
    • Every little named storm anywhere on earth

    Dopey words that should never appear in articles[edit]

    • Hail, as in All the victims appeared to hail from the lower class of society or Music historian Bob Gulla hailed it as an "iconoclastic funk-rock" record. God, that sounds stupid.
    • Accolades, as in List of accolades received by The Avengers (2012 film).
    • Garner, as in garnered worldwide recognition for her portrayal. (The same article goes on to make us vomit by saying a bunch of people were awarded the Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series accolade.)
    • Berth (except on ships), as in garnered a playoff berth.
    • Welcomed in the context of childbirth, as in In April they welcomed their first child. [75] Absolutely nauseating.

    Violators will be subject to initial 24-hour blocks, with escalating blocks for subsequent infractions. Repeated instances of welcoming children may be punished by beheading.

    First rule of ANI[edit]

    Wisdom from Objective3000 [76]:

    There is Al-anon, cocaine-anon, food-anon, game-anon, and about 20 others. We are now seeing on-and-on ... First rule of ANI: Don’t manifest the problem on ANI.

    Brilliance from our esteemed colleagues Levivich and Creffpublic and Guy[edit]

    Anyone puzzled by the below should see Burma-Shave#Roadside_billboards:
    SAID THE ADMIN

    (WIKIPEDIA STAR)

    THIS THREAD'S TOO LONG

    TL

    DR

    Burma-Shave

    creffett

    NEW ANI THREAD

    A PROBLEM

    ACUTE

    CLOSED WITHOUT ACTION

    "CONTENT DISPUTE"

    Burma-Shave

    creffett

    DULL ADMIN THREAD

    EENG

    ON THE CASE

    IRREVERENT PICTURE

    OP PUT IN HIS PLACE

    Burma-Shave

    creffett

    WHAT'S THAT SMELL

    LIKE BURNING

    PLASTIC

    ANI

    IT'S FANTASTIC

    Burma-Shave

    Levivich

    EVERYONE

    IS SO UNHAPPY

    ANI

    IS REALLY

    CRAPPY

    Burma-Shave

    Levivich

    CLOSE THE THREAD

    AFTER 10k

    NO ONE

    READS IT

    ANYWAY

    Burma-Shave

    Levivich 05:01, 12 January 2020 (UTC)

    MOCKING

    NOTICE

    BOARD

    REPORTING

    SEEMS TO SOME

    A BIT

    UNSPORTING

    Burma-Shave

    creffpublic a creffett franchise (talk to the boss) 20:34, 14 January 2020 (UTC)

    THREAD TOO LONG

    FULL OF KVETCHING

    CLOSING NOW

    TO FORESTALL RETCHING

    Burma-Shave

    Guy (help!)

    From Wikipedia:Administrators'_noticeboard/Archive323#Comment:
    • As Levivich says, nobody stops after one "sodomite". I know I certainly didn't. EEng 19:56, 3 August 2020 (UTC)
    ONCEYOU TRYA SODOMITEYOU'LL NEVER SAY"NO, NOT TONIGHT"Burma-shave
    Levivich[dubiousdiscuss] 20:08, 3 August 2020 (UTC)
    I can wiki-die happy now. My wiki-life is complete. I have reached wiki-nirvana. EEng 23:42, 3 August 2020 (UTC)


    Followup, from a discussion at Arbcom's Requests for clarification and amendment page [77]:

    There are so many things that you could do to fix this, and instead you're putting your finger in the dike.

    Pardon me ... putting my finger in the WHO?
    ... at least he's not from Essex?

    Alle-wiki-gory[edit]

    > File:Burp.opus <[edit]

    All I Want For Christmas Is for this RFC to be over.jpg
    Good call!
    Tireless contributor
    That's offal!
    Thanks to Atsme
    The pedant
    Brutal-treatment-of-william-duggan-tn1.png
    Do not disrupt Wikipedia to illustrate pointillism.
    A reliable sauce. "What's source for the goose is source for the Gandhi."
    ... in conception
    ... and in reality
    David Wark Griffith - 1922 2 (cropped).jpg
    If life gives you blocks, make blockade.
    Marguerite Martyn sketch of Finley Johnson Shepard at his desk being congratulated on his engagement to Helen Gould, 1917.jpg
    Devil Goat.png

    {{Rainbow}} e.g. Somewhere over the rainbow

    My name is Bond. Covalent Bond.
    Prokrustes.jpg
    Please!
    You'll get my bill.
    You'll get my bill.
    Opera singer by Alfred Schmidt.jpg
    Science and Invention Nov 1928 Cover 2.jpg
    Attaque nocturne.jpg
    Stooges malice palace curly scene.jpg
    When I figure out which of those little shits has the peashooter, there's gonna be hell to pay

    Carp per diem[edit]

    Monday
    Wednesday
    Tuesday
    Thursday
    Saturday
    Friday
    Sunday
    Torture Inquisition.jpg
    Newcomers' guide to AN/I
     – SemiHypercube
    Situation normal, all forked up.
    Another day of editing.
    DefecatingSeagull2.jpg
    Discussion proceeds
    His favorite color was maroon
    Tennel Cheshire proof.png
    Dispute resolution process...
    ... or if you prefer, try ANI.
    Arbcom, step by step
    ArbCom, the final phase.
    Required orientation for new arbs: "This could happen to you."
    At Wikimedia SF
    Retiring Arbcom member passes the torch
    We appreciate your work on category cleanup
    "When technically minded folk with a penchant for order, consistency, and control get caught up in the zeal of a systematization crusade, un­pleas­ant­ness can result." – A Fellow Editor
    After six months as an oversighter
    Draft namespace
    Stare not too long, young one... for he who fights with admins should look to it that he himself does not become an admin. And if you gaze long into ANI, ANI also gazes into you.

    Some poetry from Atsme:

    Frog smile.jpg
    "Don't croak, SMILE!"

    A satirist I'm not,
    A satirist I'd like to be;
    I seem to have forgot,
    What in hell prevented me.
    It might have been my style,
    It might have been my prose;
    But I'd like to make you smile,
    And even happy, I suppose,
    For teaching me to jump,
    From the bottom to the top,
    Of a page with so much clump,
    We're all worried it might pop!
    Atsme📞📧 20:07, 15 May 2017 (UTC)

    Phineas Gage: The later years
    If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have wasted my life editing Wikipedia. I would have wasted my life doing something else.
    Some scientists claim that hydro­gen, because it is so plen­ti­ful, is the basic building block of the uni­verse. I dispute that. I say there are more AWB edits tinkering with whitespace and categories and wiki­proj­ect import­ance ratings than hydro­gen, and that is the basic build­ing block of the uni­verse.
    AN Morons bad ANI edict.gif
    Arbitration Committe Motto Recriminate a bit.gif
    AN I a bad cad or tormentor insist.gif
    MOS A Muse Flatly no.gif
    Sisyphus, the patron saint of New Page Patrollers.
    New Page Patrol official anagram
    New page patrol
    After a few weeks "helping out" at DYK
    DYK reviews underway. Original title: A group of mentally ill patients sitting around and staring.
    DYK drove him to it.
    "I'd rather cut off all my toes with a pair of scissors than spend one minute at ANI." Testimonial from an actual customer
    There is currently a discussion at ANI...
    WP:ERRORS. Original title: A group of mentally ill patients dashing about a burning room
    This editor is a mem­ber of Wiki­proj­ect Dis­mem­bered Hands
    Did you know Rover had a girlfriend?
    DYK nominations in the pipeline
    Flow is being revived...
    ... Ha! Ha! Just kidding!
    ... And Visual Editor is now required! ...
    When good faith is exhausted
    "Deletion" discussion underway at the Ancient Greek Wikipedia
    Checkusers working an SPI. Horns give direct links to Arbcom, Jimbo
    Edit (A) triggers watchlist item (B), causing undo (C) and revert notification (D), leading admin (E) to fly off the handle, tilting talkpage balance of power (F), causing diffs to be dumped on ANI (H). ANI thread (I) opens Pandora's Box (J), leading to fireworks (K) at Arbcom. Boomerang (L) gives editor WP:ROPE (M), ending in 12-hour block and smack with trout-infused napkin.[1]
    Oops! Missing Beef!
    Nonsense!
    Some random Ned Kelly wannabe stole your Cow joke and added it to his herd for his personal gain. Watchagonadoboutit?
    April Fools at WP: Fucking hilarious

    References

    Revert me and I will CURRRSE you!
    What they secretly long for
    What editors are traditionally offered at ANI
    Sensory distortion after a day at ANI
    Ahem. You got consensus for that edit?
    WP:COI editor risks topic ban – WP:RIGHTGREATWRONGS, WP:IDHT, WP:OR, etc. etc.
    Luckily the pajamas are flame-retardant.
    Uh-oh. The baby's radioactive.
    Editors maintain citation templates
    RfA reform again? You don't say!
    Just another day at ANI
    Before ANI: "Are you hot and sticky, mentally fagged?"
    During ANI
    It's ANI whether you like it or not!
    Oops! Boomerang!
    Checkuser sees all!

    Heads on spikes.png Biplane crash in South Texas.jpg
                                                           After ANI

    Untangling template syntax
    On the alert for hyphen/endash confusion
    <- - - - - Travails of the copyeditor - - - - ->
    Articles for Deletion
    Arbcom: Conception
    Arbcom: Reality
    I'll show you! I'm taking it to Arbcom!
    Emergency relief program for editors
    Arbcom deliberates

    Editors eagerly prepare statements for Arbcom
    Arbcom clerks
    Block appeal tableau
    Tell me again‍—‌we're using Visual Editor why?
    Model: Wikipedia editor "A Man Inverts"
    Awaiting DYK review
    Normal editing resumes

    Wikipedia (vision, 2001)
    Congratulations! Your DYK has been approved!
    They with the fancy user signatures
    Wikipedia (reality, 2015)
    BLP-sniffing dog at work
    Desysopped!
    Hanging out at WP:CFD
    RfA in progress
    Talk:MOS
    Template editor
    This sock was in one edit war too many
    Goddam offline sources!
    Request for Czech User
    Editor about to put head up ass
    "There are a few issues with your GA submission"
    Tempted into meatpuppetry
    We get it – your FA passed. Can you take it down a notch?
    Fighting vandals

    One cat who'd like less feedback, if you don't mind!
    If you want to take on metric vs. Imperial in articles, that's your business. I've got a more pleasant appointment to keep.
    What some editors think good writing should feel like to the reader: "It was tedious to write, it should be tedious to read."
    Reverted good faith edits by....
    FA Review (original title: "Monkeys as Judges of Art")
    People who forget that guidelines are to be applied with common sense
    Sock and master caught together in rare photo
    Well, I'm nominating for AfD – your move!
    You're getting the hang of this DYK thing!
    ANI on a quiet night
    Capitalization wars – see [9]
    Arbitrator resigns: "The people in these cases – meshugana!"
    I'll never understand fixing cut-and-paste moves
    Actual fix-cut-and-paste-move diagram
    Even though I'm an Arbcom member, I'm just commenting here as an average, everyday editor.
    Simplified guide to categories
    Checkuser X-ray specs
    Ha - ha! Blocked!
    These socks are a confirmed match.
    Admins maintain order while editors wrestle the wheel in random directions
    "Let's edit Wikipedia", you said. "It'll be fun", you said. Don't look now, but here come our mentors.
    Absinthe...
    ...Fonda.
    ...makes the heart grow...
    The next three images gratefully stolen from Catherine de Burgh
    Jimbo in a private moment
    Meats at the ready!
    Strong oppose
    Strong oppose   Strong oppose
    Strong oppose   Strong oppose
    I shot the Sheriff
    Wistfully recalling life before Wikipedia
    Eau no!
    I'm turning your talk page access off
    WP:PERENNIAL proposals


    First patty
    Second patty
    Third patty
    Wikipedia-related caption invited
    Eh? Whad'ya think of that?
    The dashing young Ned Kelly wannabe has challenged you to a round of back alley fisticuffs. Unsurprisingly, you never stood a chance. The Australian collected his prize money and stole one of your funny pictures before running off into the outback.

    Frantic orthodoxy is never rooted in faith but in doubt. It is when we are not sure that we are doubly sure.

    Reinhold Niebuhr

    A video clip for use at ANI someday.

    Children of thee 60s talk about what Wikipedia will be like: [78] [79]

    Desirable and undesirable kinds of editors:

    Acute (desirable)
    Obtuse (undesirable)
    Women in Red: Showcasing insufficiently covered women
    Paid participation:
    poetic perspectives

    I won't argue for fun,
    I won't argue for free,
    with someone who's paid
    to argue with me.


    I'll argue all day,
    I'll fight 'til I'm tired.
    At least if I lose
    I won't get fired.

    From top: Jimbo; Arbcom; Oversighters; Admins; The Extended Confirmed; IPs

    Wikipedia is not about whining[edit]

    Wikipedia is not about whining. Complaining about editor behavior is appropriate – at a relevant noticeboard when that behavior is contrary to Wikipedia policies and guidelines and harms the project. But editors should not complain just for the sake of complaining, nor as therapy or catharsis, but to get help in guiding an errant editor back on track with the project's fundamental principles.

    If you find yourself complaining more than contributing, it might be time for a short wikibreak to clear your mind, rethink your approach, and help you come back ready to resume building the encyclopedia.

    Incidentally, Wikipedia is also not about wining. A glass of Lambrusco is not a reliable source, too much original research in this area may lead to habitually editing under the influence, and indefinite bocks could lead to an indefinite block. That doesn't mean, however, that the occasional pint can't help reduce wikistress, as long as editors don't become a wikiholic. This can lead to serious problems including wikihomelessness, which is of course the opposite of being a Wikipedian in residence.



    User:EEng/Principle of Some Astonishment

    Diffusing Conflict[edit]

    Diffusing conflict[edit]

    Now and then someone undertakes to "diffuse" a conflict budding somewhere in the project. Probably they really mean they want to defuse the problem, as in "remove its fuse" – like from a bomb – to avoid blow-ups. Diffusing a conflict would be to spread it over a wide area, which is presumably not the intention.

    Sometimes people write lengthy posts at WP:ANI, or propose Arbcom cases, in hopes of defusing a situation; however, the ensuing drama often means the conflict is diffused instead.

    External links[edit]

    Casting dispersions, inciteful comments, and so on[edit]

    Closely related concepts include:

    Casting
    Persians
    Casting of ass
    Persians
    Veiled ass
    Persians
    Unnecessary ass
    Persians
    Baseless [81][82]
    Pussy-grabber [83]
    (Formerly ass but someone objected [84])
    Persians
    Democratic ass
    Republican ass
    (With proper care and feeding this ass-Persians gag can be milked for years.)

    Applying solutions[edit]

    Diffusing the balm

    Conflict is inevitable when dealing with other editors, so knowing how to apply the proper solution is key. When discussion looks like it's about to explode, it's important to diffuse the balm, before things get out of hand.

    Univalved administrators[edit]

    Significant coverage[edit]

    "I have now also added sauces to the page"[1]

    Guide to unappealing or appalling blocks[edit]

    ".... and I've seen some whoppers"
    Stalkers are invited to contribute appalling or unappealing blocks to this collection (perhaps later to be broken out as its own page)
    Admins note! Important! It is unethical (and time-consuming) to go out and make an appalling block just to get something on the list!

    Fusing conflicts[edit]

    References[edit]

    1. ^ [6]

    Queen Elizabeth slipped majestically into the water[edit]

    This page is for accumulating amusing passages – real or hypothetical – made possible by referring to ships as she, and for general derision of that pretentious and stupid practice. (Ridicule of other forms of stylistic pretension is welcome as well.) It was inspired by this discussion at WT:MOS (and see also WT:Manual of Style/Archive (ships as "she") for more background).

    Queen Elizabeth slipped majestically into the water[edit]

    After Queen Elizabeth broke a bottle of champagne against the ship's gigantic bow she slipped majestically into the water.
    She also served as the escort for Kaiser Wilhelm II aboard his yacht Hohenzollern.
    • (hypothetical) After Queen Elizabeth broke a bottle of champagne against the ship's gigantic bow she slipped majestically into the water. [85]
    • (from the Featured Article SMS Emden) During this period, she also served as the escort for Kaiser Wilhelm II aboard his yacht Hohenzollern. [86]
    Fearing that he might lose the prize if the winds changed, Morris rammed her.
    Archibald Dickson raised his flag in her.
    • (from the article HMS Elk (1804)) Fearing that he might lose the prize if the winds changed, Morris rammed her. [87]
    • (from the article HMS Monmouth (1796)) Archibald Dickson raised his flag in her. [88]
    • (from the article HMS Indefatigable (1784)) She had a long career under several distinguished commanders. [89]
    • (from The Appleton Weekly Post, 1907) Lusitania does not appear to be so lusty as the Mauretania ... If Lussie doesn't hump herself and do it first she won't be in it with her big sister.[1]
    She had a long career under several distinguished commanders.
    Acasta's boats got her off. (This image is eu­phe­mis­ti­cally listed under Category:People at the beach in art.)

    Into the woulds[edit]

    • "Mel Blanc was the original voice of Bugs and would voice voiced the character for nearly five decades." [91]
    • "Although he did not receive a classical schooling in the Harvard Graduate School, Morgan would was immediately after his graduation be appointed to the teaching staff. ... Morgan fell seriously ill on March 15, 1910 while on a trip to New York to visit Daniel B. Fearing, the mayor of Newport, Rhode Island, and would die died soon after." [92]
    • "Gowdy would later be awarded received the Postal Inspector's Award for the successful prosecution of J. Mark Allen, one of 'America's Most Wanted' suspects." [93]
    • "In 1973 he relocated to Waynesville, North Carolina, where he would die died of cancer." [94]
    • "But Harrison would also later tell told him, 'You've got a lovely karma, Vic.' ... Spinetti would make made a small appearance in the promotional video for McCartney's song 'London Town' from the 1978 album of the same name. Spinetti's July 2010 performance of the song 'Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da', at the Festival Theatre, Malvern in Worcestershire, would later be made was available on 'The Beatles Complete on Ukulele' podcast. ... Spinetti's film career developed simultaneously; his dozens of film appearances would include included Zeffirelli's The Taming of the Shrew, Under Milk Wood, The Return of the Pink Panther and Under the Cherry Moon." [95][96]
    • "The race would start started with Kyle Busch and Kyle Larson fighting for the lead, but on lap 2 Christopher Bell would lose lost control of his car in Turn 1, but would save the car managed to save it." [97]
    • "Cecil Beaton, after being fired from American Vogue in 1938, on charges of anti-Semitism, was living in England when his phone rang. Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother, who would go on to be his favorite royal subject, wanted to be photographed by him ... Years later, he would sit in Westminster Abbey, high up near the organ pipes, taking photos of Queen Elizabeth II’s coronation with his top hat stuffed with sandwiches." [98] (This illustrates a particular hazard of would-iness, to wit that it can mislead the reader into thinking a habit is being described: "He would sit in Westminster Abbey, high up near the organ pipes, taking photos", like he's stalker or something.)
    • "Those who pleaded for clemency for Casement included Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who was acquainted with Casement through the work of the Congo Reform Association, poet W. B. Yeats, and playwright George Bernard Shaw. Joseph Conrad could not forgive Casement, nor could Casement's longtime friend, the sculptor Herbert Ward, whose son Charles had been killed on the Western Front that January, and who would change the name of Casement's godson, who had been named after him." [99] (What in the hell is that even trying to say?)
    • [100]
    • [101]
    • Big Van Vader would emerge victorious.[102]
    • "The Tiddlytubbies would get their own spin-off animated web series in 2018." [103]
    • "However, many jumps racing supporters attempted to keep jumps racing at Oakbank and that fight went into the South Australian Court System. ... That would result in an election occurring which the anti-jumps faction winning but debate surrounding that vote spilled into more legal action." [104]

    Closely related constructions include:

    Misc[edit]

    See also[edit]

    References[edit]

    1. ^ "The Lusitania ..." The Appleton Weekly Post. October 17, 1907. p. 6. Retrieved January 2, 2020 – via Newspapers.com. open access
    2. ^ https://en.wikipedia.org/?oldid=998185328

    Updated DYK query Did You Know ...[edit]

    The Sacred Cod in its natural habitat
    • ... that John Harvard (left) does not look like John Harvard?
    • ... that Massachusetts officials were "shocked into a condition bordering on speech­less­ness" by the theft of their Sacred Cod (right)?
    • ... that the four miles of stacks aisles in Harvard's 3.5-million-volume Widener Library are so labyrinthine that one student felt she ought to carry "a compass, a sandwich, and a whistle" when entering?
    • ... that problems with a brutalist gray elephant were "like a five-car accident at an intersection. You just can't tell what caused it"?
    • ... that mathematician Andrew Gleason (right) liked to say that proofs "really aren't there to convince you that something is true—they're there to show you why it is true"?
    LBJ (of all people) at the helm of an Amphicar
    • ... that quirky dogs and plural wugs helped Jean Berko Gleason (left) show that young children extract linguistic rules from what they hear, rather than just memorizing words?
    • ... that warden's wife Kate Soffel, who fled with condemned brothers Jack and Ed Biddle after supplying guns and saws for their 1902 escape from the Allegheny County Jail, later took up dressmaking?
    • ... that while testifying in a 2004 lawsuit involving the meaning of the word steakburger, a corporate CEO was grilled on the witness stand?
    • ... that the Vicar of Brighton got shot in the twitten?
    • ... that after he died, daredevil Larry Donovan's mother said, "I told him that jumping off bridges was a poor way of earning a living"?
    A sitting young man holds a microphone in his left hand while manipulating the console of an apparatus with his right. To his left a large television camera is trained on a large, circular cathode ray tube display.
    Harry Lewis with some gizmo he invented
    Memorial Hall
    • ... that Harvard’s Memorial Hall (right) has been called “the most valuable gift the Uni­ver­si­ty has ever received” (1878), “that house of honor and of hos­pi­tal­ity which [dispenses] laurels to the dead and dinners to the living” (1905), and “a huge Victorian Gothic barn” (1941)?
    • ... that the biggest Turdus (not pictured) is 23–28 centimetres (9–10 inches) in length?
    • ... that in a 2016 portrait, Queen Elizabeth II is depicted with someone else's bust?
    • ... that the Commission on Training Camp Activities used sexual denial to make American solders fight harder?

    And finally ...

    • ... that Trump is directly connected to Russia?
    • ... that Hillary's portrait is now being printed on the $5 bill?
    • ... that Obama was born in Japan?
    • ... that the US National Gallery of Art has a picture of Trump urinating?
    • ... that police found a corpse in Bernie's freezer?

    Prosaic Prelude: Strike order for atomic bombing of Nagasaki. "BOMBS: Special. RELIGIOUS SERVICES: Catholic 1830, Protestant 2300." Nagasaki was the alternate target.
    Authorial Vanity

    Every author, however modest, keeps a most outrageous vanity chained like a madman in the padded cell of his breast.

    Logan Pearsall Smith (1931). Afterthoughts.

    Fates to Avoid

    Although he did not lack friends, they were weary of coming to his defense, so endless a process it had become.

    Rider, Fremont (1944). Melvil Dewey.

    In composing...

    In composing, as a general rule, run your pen through every other word you have written; you have no idea what vigour it will give your style.

    Sydney Smith

    That his style was ver­bose is some­thing on which both friend and foe agreed. Jack­son was a writer who, hav­ing em­barked on a sen­tence, was almost imme­di­ately seized by a new asso­ci­a­tion, which was promptly parked between dashes. Shortly after he embarked on the par­en­thet­i­cal phrase, another asso­ci­a­tion pre­sented itself, and was duly ensconced between paren­the­ses, thereby ex­haust­ing the con­ven­tion­al punc­tu­a­tion marks de­signed for em­bed­ded phrases. When anoth­er asso­ci­a­tion arose during the writing of the phrase in paren­the­ses‍—‌which was invar­i­a­bly the case‍—‌it was pre­sented in the form of a foot­note. But shortly after the begin­ning of the foot­note ... etc., etc.

    Douwe Draaisma. "Sparks from a Leyden jar: Jackson's epilepsy". Disturbances of the Mind. (Tr. by Barbara Fasting.)

    Dr. Seuss, homewrecker[edit]

    From something called Seussblog:

    This is the first book that Seuss wrote after his first wife, Helen's, death and before he married his second wife, Audrey. It was written in the winter of 1967 while he was dealing with the financial and business gaps that Helen's death left behind, and while Audrey divorced her first husband so she could marry Seuss.

    Campaigns on the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown[edit]

    I got a call this morning from the Republican National Committee. Their robot said they were contacting Donald Trump's "most steadfast supporters" for donations. Sad, really.

    Teahouse threads I didn't finish reading[edit]

    From [106]:
    Issue with Pornographic image
    Hello! As I was innocently googling “pearl necklace” for shopping purposes ...

    Everything old is new again[edit]

    Winston sank his arms to his sides and slowly refilled his lungs with air. His mind slid away into the labyrinthine world of doublethink. To know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies, to hold simultaneously two opinions which cancelled out, knowing them to be contradictory and believing in both of them, to use logic against logic, to repudiate morality while laying claim to it, to believe that democracy was impossible and that the Party was the guardian of democracy, to forget whatever it was necessary to forget, then to draw it back into memory again at the moment when it was needed, and then promptly to forget it again: and above all, to apply the same process to the process itself. That was the ultimate subtlety: consciously to induce unconsciousness, and then, once again, to become unconscious of the act of hypnosis you had just performed.

    Talk about an October surprise![edit]

    External video
    Four years ago today
    video icon Trump mocks Hillary Clinton's pneumonia

    Consider: 7 million of the 330 million people in the US have contracted Covid at some point. 7/330 = 2%, so really, the chance of contracting the virus is pretty small. The odds are against you. You have to really work at it. But through determined stupidity Trump and his coterie of morons have managed to beat the odds and get themselves infected. Way to go, team! Finally, you're making America great again! EEng 02:56, 3 October 2020 (UTC)

    So it turns out:

    • (a) There really is a God after all.
    • (b) He has a sense of humor.

    And the Lord said to Moses, “Go down; for your people, whom you brought up out of the land of Egypt, have corrupted themselves; they have turned aside quickly out of the way which I commanded them; they have made for themselves a molten calf, and have worshiped it and sacrificed to it,”

    Exodus 32:9-10

    A third part of thee shall die with the pestilence, and with famine shall they be consumed in the midst of thee: and a third part shall fall by the sword round about thee; and I will scatter a third part into all the winds, and I will draw out a sword after them.

    Ezekiel 5:12

    Violence does, in truth, recoil upon the violent, and the schemer falls into the pit which he digs for another.

    "The Adventure of the Speckled Band"

    EEng 07:25, 2 October 2020 (UTC)

    Recent advances in herpetology[edit]

    ... and sloths as well.

    Make up your mind, will you?[edit]

    From our article James Boswell:

    Upon turning nineteen, he was sent to continue his studies at the University of Glasgow, where he attended the lectures of Adam Smith. While at Glasgow, Boswell decided to convert to Catholicism and become a monk. Upon learning of this, his father ordered him home. Instead of obeying, though, Boswell ran away to London, where he spent three months living the life of a libertine.

    When patience runs out[edit]

    [107]

    Museum of Fads 'n Fashions in Higher Education[edit]

    From our article on Thomas Hill, president of Harvard 1862–1868 [108]:

    Hill claimed to have injured his testicle while gardening, an incident that made him wary of laboratory instruction at Harvard, warning students not to exert themselves too much in their studies.

    Well, I suppose it has happened[edit]

    From "The Springfield Three", an episode of the true-crime series People Magazine Investigates:

    Talking head: Just in case it's Susie or Stacey calling, Janelle picks up the phone. But it's not either of their friends.

    Detective: It was an obscene phone call.

    Talking head: The individual would not identify himself.

    Perhaps not the best imagery[edit]

    Correspondent Yamiche Alcindor discussing Trump's tweeting compulsion on MSNBC, July 6, 2020:

    Today you think of the Washington Redskins tweet. Did he really have to send that tweet? But the president obviously couldn't help himself, he had to weigh in on this issue that really is not – it's in some ways a settled issue – the Washington Redskins likely should be changing their name. But the President can't resist and as a result you have the campaign and the White House having to circle the wagons on something they really didn't want to focus on today.

    (Think about it. Maybe read it again.)
    Don't worry....about a mile up the road[citation needed] there's a hidden cave.... allegedly.

    Unfortunate juxtaposition[edit]

    From our article on Pratt's Bottom, "a village in Greater London":

    A "bottom" in this context means a valley or hollow, and the Pratts were a noble family once seated in the area.

    Dramatic improvement[edit]

    As explained by an anchorman on MSNBC, April 23,2020:

    Today the Department of Labor announced that 4.4 additional Americans filed for unemployment claims last week.

    Museum of Downsizing[edit]

    From our article on the sainted Charles Osgood:

    When they became empty nesters, Osgood and his wife moved to a 12-room duplex on West 57th Street at 7th Avenue.

    Museum of Leadership[edit]

    For those who are wondering what leadership looks like, here's FDR before he was even sworn in:

    It is common sense to take a method and try it: If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. The millions who are in want will not stand by silently forever while the things to satisfy their needs are within easy reach.

    Paging Prof. Boole[edit]

    Reporter Hans Nichols on MSNBC, March 26, 2020:

    It seemed to me that the president didn't think being not called Tom Brady wasn't an insult.

    Followup (Anchor Kasie Hunt on MSNBC, March 29):

    There is no reason not to think that New York is not going to need these 30,000 ventilators.

    Compare and Contrast[edit]

    "We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China. We have it under control. It’s going to be just fine. The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA. Stock Market starting to look very good to me! CDC & my administration are doing a GREAT job of handling Coronavirus. I think that’s a problem that’s going to go away. They have studied it. They know very much. In fact, we’re very close to a vaccine. We’re going very substantially down, not up. The 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero. We’re ordering a lot of supplies. We’re ordering a lot of, uh, elements that frankly we wouldn’t be ordering unless it was something like this. But we’re ordering a lot of different elements of medical. If we have thousands of people that get better just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work – some of them go to work, but they get better. I think we’re doing a really good job in this country at keeping it down. Anybody right now, and yesterday, anybody that needs a test gets a test. And the tests are beautiful. They are perfect just like the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. Right? This was not as perfect as that but pretty good. People are surprised that I understand it. Every one of these doctors said, ‘How do you know so much about this?’ Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president."

    Q&A[edit]

    A viewer's question on MSNBC, March 16, 2020:

    Q: I am supposed to fly commercial next week to visit my elderly parents in upstate NY, one of who is ill. Is it safe? I don't want to put this trip off because I know things will get worse.

    A: To properly answer your question we need to know (a) your parents' net worth and (b) whether you're certain you're in their wills.

    OK, that's not actually the answer that was given.
    Followup: As part of our ongoing series on natural selection at work, we give you Congressman Devin Nunes (Republican of California – see: #Devin Nunes is an Idiot a Dumb Asshole) offering helpful advice viewers of Fox News, March 16:

    There's a lotta concerns with the economy here because people are scared to go out. But I will just say one of the things you can do if you're healthy, uh, you and your family, it's a great time to just go out, go to a local restaurant. Likely you can get in easily. Ya know, let's not hurt, uh, the working people in this country that are relying on wages and tips to keep their small business going. Just don't run to the grocery store and buy $4000 of food. Go to your local pub.

    Further followup headline ("Thousands of Liberty students expected to return to campus amid coronavirus outbreak", Mar 23, 2020):

    LYNCHBURG — As the coronavirus threatens to spread across the Lynchburg region, Liberty University officials are preparing to welcome back up to 5,000 students from spring break this week ... “I think we have a responsibility to our students — who paid to be here, who want to be here, who love it here — to give them the ability to be with their friends, to continue their studies, enjoy the room and board they’ve already paid for and to not interrupt their college life,” Falwell said.

    Do not laugh![edit]

    Read this [109] and look for the word which was probably supposed to be winch but for some reason isn't. Then if you don't know what that word means, google it. EEng 04:13, 13 January 2021 (UTC)

    Love in the Time of Cholera[edit]

    Reposting with renewed significance[edit]

    The Official Trump 2020 Campaign Song:
    Don't know much about history...
    Don't know much biology...
    Don't know much about a science book...
    Don't know much about the French I took...
    But I do know that I love you ...

    Oops[edit]

    A reflection by a guest on MSNBC's All In with Chris Hayes, March 5, 2020:

    It's sad, you know, I really would love to see a woman presindent in my lifetime, soon in my lifetime, and I think that Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg, ya know, ...

    Idiom inquiry leads to metaphor musing[edit]

    From an inquiry at Quora [110]:

    Q. What is a good synonym for "panties in a bunch"?

    A. Could you explain what you mean? It could be:

    1. A bunch of panties, an indefinite number of panties held together in some way;
    2. Panties that have got bunched up, maybe in spatial conflict with other clothing or due to bodily friction;
    3. A bunch (of bananas, of hair, of tourists) which panties have somehow managed to infiltrate.

    Number 3 sounds like the most fun (they could be the Pantie Patrol, the Knicker Niche or the Thong Throng), but I think to be honest you really mean something more akin to number 2 ...

    Museum of Highly Cost-Effective Political Campaigns[edit]

    From the Joe Biden donation landing page (February 29, 2020):

    DONATE NOW TO DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP – URGENT SUPPORT NEEDED: Our country cannot take another four years of Trump. But two of our Democratic opponents outraised us last quarter, and our campaign won’t have the resources we need to win the nomination unless we raise $1,027 by midnight tonight.

    Glamorous Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous[edit]

    From our bio of actor James MacArthur:

    Throughout his career, MacArthur had also found time for various other ventures. From 1959 to 1960, he partnered with actors James Franciscus and Alan Ladd, Jr. in a Beverly Hills telephone answering service.

    Easy to misread[edit]

    A clown dressed as President of the United States receives what he thinks is a Fabergé egg from the ringmaster.
    The Brit­ish Am­bas­sa­dor dressed as a clown.
    From our plot summary of the James Bond film Octopussy:

    While trying to escape from East to West Berlin, British agent 009 is fatally wounded and dies after reaching the residence of the British Ambassador, dressed as a circus clown and carrying a fake Fabergé egg.

    You've got it wrong. It was obviously not the ambassador that was dressed like a clown and carrying a fake egg. It clearly states it was his residence that was so dressed and so carrying. --A D Monroe III(talk) 01:46, 9 March 2020 (UTC)

    Museum of Multiple Diagnoses[edit]

    From our very detailed plot summary of the film Dial 1119:

    Homicidal escaped mental patient Gunther Wyckoff (Marshall Thompson) arrives by bus in Terminal City. As he gets off, he is confronted by the bus driver for stealing his Colt pistol. Wyckoff uses it to kill the driver. Delusional patient Gunther Wyckoff (Marshall Thompson) escapes from a mental institution intent on locating psychiatrist Dr. John Faron, (Sam Levene), whose testimony sent him to the asylum.

    Um, OK[edit]

    From the article Wang Laboratories:

    One major "lesson" in the book was to always remain cocked above the competition, and to always come explosively with new innovations to the products available to the public.

    Update: The above has now been removed from the article by Yngvadottir with the edit summary "Not all wangs are jerks" [111]. Ha!

    Titular characters[edit]

    A discussion at Wikipedia talk:The problem with elegant variation:

    The page currently [112] says

    There's rarely any use in pointing out when something is titular. For example:
    Batman Returns is a 1992 American superhero film directed by Tim Burton, based on the titular DC Comics character.

    For reasons that surely must be obvious, I would think that Batgirl or Catwoman would be better examples of titular characters than is Batman, unless of course we take Groucho Marx's famous comment into account. EEng 13:02, 23 November 2018 (UTC)

    Adding: when following the Groucho link, look at the very bottom of the page. EEng 02:25, 24 November 2018 (UTC)

    Good suggestion. I actually implemented it but reverted it for the moment because I want to find an example of a film or work that dosn't just have the character name as its title (as Catwoman does). Otherwise it just brings up other arguments of repetitive prose which isn't meant to be the point of the section (see the "Of the same name" debate). I'm sure good examples exist, but it's time for bed for me now... Popcornduff (talk) 14:14, 23 November 2018 (UTC)
    I'm trying to decide if you're turning the titular tables on me. EEng 16:46, 23 November 2018 (UTC)
    You know, I sometimes think this place is just awash with complete tits. Martinevans123 (talk) 20:57, 24 November 2018 (UTC)
    The linked article suggests so many winking puns that it's positively dazzling. This could keep us in business for years. EEng 22:55, 24 November 2018 (UTC)

    This just in[edit]

    Note: The opinions expressed in this section may not reflect the views of the management of this page.

    Do we need another book to tell us what we already know about how President Donald Trump is a legendary dumbass unfit to execute his duties as leader of the free world? Probably not. Are we getting one? Yes. Did I pre-order it like an absolute schmuck? Also yes. I am as God made me.

    A bit of fun from from the headline writer[edit]

    Headline in the Dundee Courier (courtesy of our good friend Arid Desiccant):

    Everybody was flung poo fighting — Carnoustie kids make mess of residential street

    Vaguely related earlier item [113]:

    The story you link, "VENEZUELAN PROTESTORS PREPARE TO LAUNCH A SHIT BOMB PROTEST", reads in part, "Now protesters have decided to organize what they are deeming the 'shit march.' A flyer circulating on social media reads, 'They have gas; we have excrement'... Parts of the Venezuelan military have already begun to defect and join the protesters."

    (At first I thought it said defecate and join the protesters.)

    Ooh! Ouch![edit]

    From a review of the film Atlas Shrugged: Who is John Galt?:

    Rand's parable is meant to showcase just how much our world needs the best of us, but this adaptation only does so accidentally – by revealing what movies would be like if none of the best of us worked on them.

    Message received[edit]

    From our article 1881 Gate:

    The 1881 Gate, or Class of 1881 Gate forms part of the perimeter of Harvard Yard in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Its inscription invites students to "come within its gates, in order that in whole-hearted service to the truth, they may enter into life and so be free". The gate has been locked for many years.

    The Visual Display of Quantitative Information[edit]

    Bar chart
      Duffy's Tavern (13%)
      White Horse (15%)
    Pie chart
       
    Apple
    20,194
    Pumpkin
    22,057
    Cherry
    34,794
    Pecan
    49,234
    Lemon harangue
    57,732

    Museum of Excruciatingly Narrow Categories[edit]

    From the image description page for File:Bugs Bunny statue in Butterfly Park Bangladesh (01).jpg:

    Valued image: This image has been assessed under the valued image criteria and is considered the most valued image on Commons within the scope: Statue evoking Bugs Bunny at Butterfly Park Bangladesh.

    Welcome to the Museums[edit]

    Visitors to The Museums are encouraged to add droll codas, possibly with evocative yet enigmatic double-entrendre wikilinks, to the items on display (though these will of course be subject to the discretion of The Curator).

    Museum of I Didn't Know that was Biologically Possible[edit]

    From our article on computer pioneer Andrew Donald Booth (inventor of, among other things, Booth's algorithm):

    Booth married mathematician and computer engineer Kathleen H. V. Britten; during 1947–1953 they produced three computing machines together.

    Here is the page two years later. Time flies.

    Museum of Headlines You Don't See Every Day[edit]

    From the South Africa Times for September 27, 2010:

    Former cops guilty of penis size murder

    Related item, from something called the Digital Journal, November 23, 2012:

    Woman attempted to murder boyfriend with DD breasts

    Museum of Really, Really Progressive Prison Policies[edit]

    From our article on mass murderer Jeremy Bamber:

    In 2001 The Times alleged that he had been treated with indulgence at Long Lartin Prison, Worcestershire, where prisoners were given the key to their cells.

    Museum of Solemn Occasions[edit]

    From our article on Operation London Bridge, the codename for the plans in place in the UK and the various Commonwealth nations for what will happen when Queen Elizabeth dies (as the old gal will, presumably, do sooner or later):

    Radio New Zealand (RNZ), the state-radio broadcaster, has a set of guidelines and instructions in the event of the death of the monarch of New Zealand. Across all RNZ stations, broadcasters will break regular programming to announce the death of the Queen, with rolling coverage to begin when ready. RNZ stations are instructed not to play punk music, or songs from Queen during this period.

    (Queen I get, but how did punk music get into the equation?)
    (I suspect like this.)

    Museum of Possibly Overcomplicated Plots[edit]

    Just a small fragment of our plot summary for the film The Cassandra Crossing:

    Mackenzie understands that the bridge might collapse as the train passes over it. The presence of the infected terrorist, and the rerouting of the train, precipitates the second conflict, among passengers on the train; they include Jonathan Chamberlain, a famous neurologist, his ex-wife Jennifer Rispoli Chamberlain, Holocaust survivor Herman Kaplan, and Nicole Dressler, the wife of a German arms dealer. She is embroiled in an affair with her young companion Robby Navarro. Navarro is a heroin trafficker being pursued by Interpol agent Haley, who is travelling undercover as a priest.

    History is watching[edit]

    Curator's note: Before you lecture me about BLP or NPOV or any of that, ask yourself which fucking side of history you plan to be on, because this isn't about tax cuts or tariffs or Confederate statues anymore.
    In honor of Donald Trump's impending impeachment, The Curator of The Museums has assembled this special retrospective of sociopathy, demagoguery, criminality, and just plain ignorance and stupidity.

    Yes indeed, let's read the transcript[edit]

    President Zelensky: Yes you are absolutely right not only 100%, but actually 1000% and I can tell you the following; I did talk to Angela Merkel and I did meet with her. I also met and talked with Macron and I told them that they are not doing quite as much as they need to be doing on the issues with the sanctions. They are not enforcing the sanctions. They are not working as much as they should work for Ukraine. It turns out that even though logically, the European Union should be our biggest partner but technically the United States is a much bigger partner than the European Union and I'm very grateful to you for that because the United States is doing quite a lot for Ukraine. Much more than the European Union especially when we are talking about sanctions against the Russian Federation. I would also like to thank you for your great support in the area of defense. We are ready to continue to cooperate for the next steps specifically we are almost ready to buy more Javelins from the United States for defense purposes.

    The President: I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it. I would like you to find out what happened with this whole situation with Ukraine, they say Crowdstrike ... I guess you have one of your wealthy people ... The server, they say Ukraine has it. There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. I think you're surrounding yourself with some of the same people. I would like to have the Attorney General call you or your people and I would like you to get to the bottom of it. As you saw yesterday, that whole nonsense ended with a very poor performance by a man named Robert Mueller, an incompetent performance, but they say a lot of it started with Ukraine. Whatever you can do, it's very important that you do it if that's possible.

    Museum of There's Really No End to Donald Trump's Stupidity, in Matters Great and Small[edit]

    Donald Trump explaining why an American diplomat's wife was driving on the wrong side of the road when she killed a young man in England:

    I believe it was going down the wrong way because that happens in Europe. You go to Europe and the roads are opposite.

    Donald Trump, you sure are the prince of stupid dumbfucks.

    Museum of John Adams Weeps[edit]

    Museum of John of Salisbury[edit]

    From [114]:
    To confer honor on the unwise is to subvert the life of the republic. And it is impossible that one governs usefully when one is subverted by one's own errors ... An unwise king is the ruin of his people.

    Museum of 1984[edit]

    This exhibit has been returned to the top of the pile today in honor of the departure of Chief Assistant Presidential Liar Sarah Sanders:

    Museum of Liars, Cheats, Thieves, Traitors, and Murderers[edit]


    Political language ... is designed to make lies* sound truthful and murder** respectable. Orwell


    "By their smirks ye shall know them." —Matthew 7:16

    Museum of Demagogues[edit]

    Adapted from our article "Demagogue":
    Donald-trump-secim-840x420.jpg
    First they came for the Mueller report ...


    A demagogue gains and holds power by exciting the passions of the lower classes and less-educated people in a democracy toward rash or violent action, breaking established democratic institutions such as the rule of law. James Fenimore Cooper in 1838 identified four fundamental characteristics of demagogues:

    1. They fashion themselves as a man or woman of the common people, opposed to the elites.
    2. Their politics depends on a visceral connection with the people, which greatly exceeds ordinary political popularity.
    3. They manipulate this connection, and the raging popularity it affords, for their own benefit and ambition.
    4. They threaten or outright break established rules of conduct, institutions, and even the law.

    The central feature of the practice of demagoguery is persuasion by means of passion, shutting down reasoned deliberation and consideration of alternatives. While many politicians in a democracy make occasional small sacrifices of truth, subtlety, or long-term concerns to maintain popular support, demagogues do these things relentlessly and without self-restraint. Demagogues "pander to passion, prejudice, bigotry, and ignorance, rather than reason."

    Demagogues have arisen in democracies from Athens to the present day, but their psychological tactics have remained the same throughout history:

    • Scapegoating
    • Fearmongering
    • Lying
    • Emotional oratory and personal charisma
    • Accusing opponents of weakness and disloyalty
    • Promising the impossible
    • Violence and physical intimidation
    • Personal insults and ridicule
    • Vulgarity and outrageous behavior
    • Folksy posturing
    • Gross oversimplification
    • Attacking the news media

    Museum of The Walls Closing In[edit]

    There's a wall like this in your future, Mr. President, and no need for Mexico to pay for it!
    Sieg heil!

    The beautiful laws and substances of the world persecute and whip the traitor. He finds that things are arranged for truth and benefit, but there is no den in the wide world to hide a rogue. Commit a crime, and the earth is made of glass. Commit a crime, and it seems as if a coat of snow fell on the ground, such as reveals in the woods the track of every partridge and fox and squirrel and mole. You cannot recall the spoken word, you cannot wipe out the foot-track, you cannot draw up the ladder, so as to leave no inlet or clew. Some damning circumstance always transpires.

    —Emerson

    Unsurprising followup: "Trump announces support for bipartisan prison reform."

    Museum of Delusional Alternative Realities[edit]

    See Spot. See Spot run. Run, Spot, Run!

    Followup: You can say that again![edit]

    "President Trump has a different leadership style than his predecessors and the results speak for themselves."

    Even-More-Delusional Alternative Realities[edit]

    From Business Insider, June 30, 2020:

    White House press secretary insists that Trump "does read" and "is the most informed person on planet earth when it comes to the threats that we face". McEnany's claim that Trump is "the most informed person on planet earth" comes nearly two months after she vowed during her first White House press briefing that she would "never lie" to the public.

    Museum of the Divine Right of Kings[edit]

    Before "zero-tolerance", families of future criminals remained together.
    Under "zero tolerance" children are sep­a­rat­ed from their parents for their own good.
    In this still from a home video by First Lady Melania Trump, presidential advisor Steven Miller (center), Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Chief of Staff John Kelly, and sometime advisor Steve Bannon discuss "zero tolerance" policy. Trump was on the crapper tweeting.




    Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
    With conquering limbs astride from land to land; / Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
    A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame / Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
    Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
    Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command / The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
    “Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she / With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,
    Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, / The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
    Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, / I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

    Not to brag, but I just finished this jigsaw puzzle in only one week. The box said 2–4 years![1]
    Protest Against ICE in DC (cropped).jpg
    "A degenerate imbecile and child-abducting sadist"[2]

    References

    1. ^ I stole this from somewhere on the net.
    2. ^ David Bentley Hart, NYT Sunday Review, July 15, 2018, pp. 1,4–5

    Meet the Family[edit]

    Sonny
    "The hothead"
    Michael
    "Nice college boy"
    Carlo
    "Give him a living but never discuss the family business with him."
    Connie
    "Married badly"
    Tom Hagen
    "Not a wartime consigliere"

    Back to where you came from[edit]

    Back to where you came from, Donald Trump.

    Don't worry, Mike Pence (seen here visiting border camps with race theorist Stephen Miller) will handle things while you're gone.

    Museum of Foreign Exchange Rates[edit]

    Mike Pence speaking in Fayetteville, NC
    Mike Pence giving a speech
    In the end, Congress will trade the President for less than two pence.

    Museum of Cause and Effect[edit]

    From Morey Amsterdam:

    After being caught in the middle of a gunfight, Amsterdam moved to California and worked writing jokes.

    The Tragedy of the Commas[edit]

    From Indian Rebellion of 1857:

    Violence, which sometimes betrayed exceptional cruelty, was inflicted on both sides, on British officers, and civilians, including women and children, by the rebels, and on the rebels, and their supporters, including sometimes entire villages, by British reprisals.

    From Honan Chapel:

    Klimt's influence is evident in the central panel's flatness, and how, using only the subject's face and hands, Clarke evokes, according to Kelly, "three-dimensional human expression", with all other details, including her robes, and the floral background, existing on a separate "two dimensional flat plain".

    Museum of Refreshing Candor[edit]

    From the recorded announcement one hears when calling a major electric utility:

    For your convenience, our website now has even more self-serving features.

    Museum of The Shocking Truth Can Finally Be Told[edit]

    From Lost in Space:

    Lost in Space was the favorite show of John F. Kennedy, Jr. while growing up in the 1960s.

    Museum of brilliant strategies[edit]

    From "The Preacher's Secret", an episode of the true-crime series Murder Board:

    Talking head: This was not a suicide. Amy Allwine died by someone else's hand, and this in fact was murder.

    Narrator: The investigators quickly focused on who could have killed her.

    Museum of Lives Well Lived[edit]

    Edith Rosenbaum Russell
    EdithRosenbaumWithPig-1912.jpg
    Edith Rosenbaum (later Russell), shortly after her rescue from the Titanic, carrying the toy pig with which she escaped the ship
    BornJune 12, 1879
    DiedApril 4, 1975 (aged 95)
    Occupation(s)Fashion journalist, stylist and buyer
    Known forSurviving the sinking of the Titanic with a toy pig
    From our article Edith Rosenbaum:

    Edith Louise Rosenbaum Russell (June 12, 1879 – April 4, 1975) was an American fashion buyer, stylist and correspondent for Women's Wear Daily, best remembered for surviving the 1912 sinking of the RMS Titanic with a music box in the shape of a pig.

    Museum of Defying Aristotle[edit]

    The results of a recent poll:

    The ideas expressed in Trump's tweets were:

    Racist – 48%
    Not racist – 34%
    Neither – 18%

    There will always be an England[edit]

    From our article on Hindhead Tunnel, "part of the 6.5 km (4.0 miles) dual-carriageway Hindhead bypass":

    A tree carved with the image of a naked lady in its bark in 1943 was preserved with a small adjustment to the tunnel access boundary.

    And their buffet is to die for![edit]

    From our list of "Notable people who left suicide notes":

    John Noble—Las Vegas resident who left a 270-page note with a table of contents and a 2-hour DVD before shooting himself at the M Resort buffet after having a "free buffet for life" prize rescinded by the resort due to his subsequent behavior there. [115]

    Museum of Demagogues Pt. 2[edit]

    [A] dangerous ambition more often lurks behind the specious mask of zeal for the rights of the people than under the forbidden appearance of zeal for the firmness and efficiency of government. History will teach us that the former has been found a much more certain road to the introduction of despotism than the latter, and that of those men who have overturned the liberties of republics, the greatest number have begun their career by paying an obsequious court to the people; commencing demagogues, and ending tyrants.

    Federalist Papers 1

    Museum of Dr. Seuss Meets the WMF[edit]

    I AM FRAM. FRAM I AM.
    THAT FRAM-I-AM! THAT FRAM-I-AM! I DO NOT LIKE THAT FRAM-I-AM!
    WOULD YOU LIKE A BAN OF FRAM? DOWN ENWIKI'S THROAT TO RAM?
    WOULD YOU BAN HIM FOR A YEAR? ISSUE RATIONALES UNCLEAR? PERHAPS TRANSPARENCY YOU FEAR?

    Museum of Creative Cruelties[edit]

    From John Hervey, 7th Marquess of Bristol:

    The Marquess, who had been jailed for jewel theft in his youth, was harsh towards his eldest son, according to friends of the latter. He did not show John any love or affection, and was emotionally distant to the extent that John was required to wear long white gloves during dinner.

    Followup from the same article:

    While accompanying his secretary Angela Barry, he crash-landed the helicopter in a field, and walked to the nearest farmhouse, demanding to use the phone while leaving mud everywhere.

    Museum of Trump is So Fucking Stupid He Inhabits a Special Galaxy of Fucking Stupid All His Own[edit]

    From Donald Trump's celebration (July 4, 2019) of American patriots' triumph in their struggle to throw off the British yoke:

    The Continental Army suffered a bitter winter of Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis at Yorktown. Our Army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over airports, it did everything it had to do and at Ft. McHenry under the rocket’s red glare had nothing but victory. When dawn came, the star-spangled banner waved defiant.

    Of course, Ft. McHenry was the War of 1812, but what you expect from the Dumbfuck-in-Chief? Readers may want to try spotting other minor anachronisms for themselves.


    The number of historical errors is just extraordinary. The White House has an office of speechwriting, with lots of researchers and interns, and they fact-check things, and there are only three possibilities for that level of transcendental stupidity to take place. One is that that office is completely filled with people with room-temperature IQs; another is that all the procedures have fallen apart and they don't exist anymore; and the third possibility is it sprang from the brain of Donald Trump, and that is deeply, deeply disturbing.

    Craig Unger

    Museum of Life Imitates Art[edit]

    From "Park Service diverts $2.5 million in fees for Trump’s Fourth of July extravaganza" (Washington Post, July 2, 2019):

    The Pentagon has referred virtually all questions about the celebration and the military’s involvement to the White House — a function, officials said, of the president’s desire to have some surprises during the event.

    Museum of Trump Family Values[edit]

    Excerpted from [116]:

    Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan has withdrawn himself from the confirmation process, effectively stepping down from the role. His confirmation was delayed by a lengthy FBI investigation into a decade-old domestic abuse allegation, according to reports.

    In 2010, Shanahan’s now former wife Kimberley Jordinson was arrested for allegedly punching him in the face. At the time, she reportedly told police that Shanahan had punched her. In a separate incident, Shanahan’s son was arrested for allegedly hitting his mother with a baseball bat.

    President Trump made the announcement on Twitter Tuesday, writing: “Acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan, who has done a wonderful job, has decided not to go forward with his confirmation process so that he can devote more time to his family.”

    Museum of That's What We Call a "Clue"[edit]

    From "Evil in the House of the Lord", an episode of the true-crime program A Stranger in My Home:

    Narrator: As firefighters enter the burning church, they make an alarming discovery.

    District attorney: They clearly suspected arson, because of the gas cans stacked by the front door.

    Followup, from "The Bad Apple", an episode of Fatal Vows:

    Narrator: The police go straight to the orchard, just a quarter mile from the house.

    Detective: Once they removed the carpet from him, and there were five bullet holes in his torso, we believed it was a homicide investigation.

    Museum of The Mysterious East[edit]

    The precise and exact wording found in the training materials for a major airline's international flight crews:

    JAPAN ... Gestures: A waving hand from side to side in front of the face usually means "No, thank you". Remember that laughter does not always mean joy or amusement; it can also be a sign of embarrassment or distress. Japanese women often cover their moths when laughing, giggling, or smiling.

    See also: List of moths of Japan

    Museum of Well In That Case, He's the Man For You[edit]

    MSNBC reporter Mike Memoli, May 13, 2019:

    And so what we're seeing here is Joe Biden in New Hampshire, a state that really likes to touch and feel its candidates.

    Museum of Great Teachers[edit]

    From "Theodore Baird, Amherst professor of composition for 42 years; at 95", The Boston Globe, December 24, 1996:

    Each September, he explained his philosophy to his students: "Your teacher does not exist to give you the answers. His function is to ask questions, and if by inadvertence he should ever chance to tell you something, you should immediately turn the questioning on him. Whatever answers you reach in this course, they will be your own."

    Museum of "Ha! Ha! Made you look!"[edit]

    From a retired Wikipedian who discovered dealing with unruly children was more exciting...

    "During Euro 2004 I painted the England flag on my tits in support of my country. WARNING if you are the sort of person who is easily offended by naked tits do not click on the following link." Image:Now that's a great pair of tits.jpg

    Followup tweet[edit]

    Terrible about Notre Dame but hopefully football program will continue. Use exhibition games to raise repair money! #GoIrish

    Museum visitor reactions

    Oof.

    Not a Moment Too Soon, Apparently[edit]

    A Lesson for Our Time[edit]

    Most of you will have heard of this, at some time or another, in summary form, but this video brings it home much more effectively. I urge you all to watch it in its entirety: [117].

    Four seconds before 12:34, the "1234" stops for the third time since starting thirty seconds before 12:34. That's my synopsis and my review. Thanks for recommending this "fine" Yale film. InedibleHulk (talk) 05:14, March 31, 2019 (UTC)
    I'm not following you but I'm sure we can agree it's electrifying. EEng 04:15, 16 April 2019 (UTC)

    The Plot Thickens[edit]

    Emu War
    Deceased emu during Emu War.jpg
    Date2 November – 10 December 1932
    LocationCampion district, Western Australia
    ParticipantsEmus
    Sir George Pearce
    Major G.P.W. Meredith
    Royal Australian Artillery
    From our article Emu War:

    With the onset of the Great Depression in 1929, these farmers were encouraged to increase their wheat crops, with the government promising—and failing to deliver—assistance in the form of subsidies. In spite of the recommendations and the promised subsidies, wheat prices continued to fall, and by October 1932 matters were becoming intense, with the farmers preparing to harvest the season's crop while simultaneously threatening to refuse to deliver the wheat.

    The difficulties facing farmers were increased by the arrival of as many as 20,000 emus.

    Also note the article's Template:Infobox historical event (shown here) which includes the datum: "Participants – Emus"

    Museum of Devin Nunes is an Idiot a Dumb Asshole[edit]

    Sorry your feelings were hurt, snowflake.

    Headline: "Devin Nunes Sues Twitter for Allowing Accounts to Insult Him"

    Just to repeat: Devin Nunes is truly an idiot a dumb asshole.
    Please note: in response to feedback from other editors, and in keeping with our Biographies of Living Persons policy, which requires the highest standards of accuracy and quality sourcing, the word idiot above has been changed to dumb asshole.

    Museum of No Kidding, I'm Serious This Time[edit]

    From "The Sniffing Revenge", an episode of the true-crime series Forensic Files. Tests have confirmed that the funny-smelling milk in Dorothy's fridge has been poisoned:
    Narrator: Dorothy accused Richard of placing the selenium in her milk during his visit. When confronted with the evidence, Richard confessed. In return, Dorothy refused to press charges against Richard.
    Talking head: He had to admit, "Yes I did do this." And he was sent into anger counseling. When he came out of anger counseling he made another attempt, which he denied. And that was when Dorothy confronted him and just told him, "You make any more attempts on me, or anybody in my family, and I'm gonna have you taken away in handcuffs."

    Museum of Lessons Unlearned[edit]

    The words of a President have an enormous weight and ought not to be used indiscriminately.

    — "Silent Cal"

    Museum of Maybe Wikipedia Should be Censored After All[edit]

    Not for the faint of heart
    From our article on (AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) Anal bleaching:
    YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

    As Brazilian waxing became popular, due to the popularity of smaller swimsuits and lingerie, the spread of pornography into the mainstream, and endorsement of the procedure by celebrities, women began noticing that their anuses were darker than the rest of their skin.

    Museum of I Guess He Missed That Particular Lecture[edit]

    From "Two in a Million", an episode of the true-crime series Forensic Files. Detectives are narrowing down the field of suspects:

    And investigators learned that Dana had some character flaws. Apparently, he had plagiarized a term paper in his business ethics class.

    Today on Capitol Hill[edit]

    Rudy Giuliani observes from the gallery.
    Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler questions the witness.

    Museum of Adjustments[edit]

    From 55 Broadway:

    Halfway along the north and east facades are a matched pair of sculptures, Day and Night by Jacob Epstein. The modernism and graphic nakedness of these sculptures created public outrage on their unveiling ... In the end, Epstein agreed to remove 1.5 inches from the penis of the smaller figure on Day and ultimately the furore died down.

    Inglese[edit]

    A wall
    A cave

    Museum of the only person on the planet not painfully aware that Donald J. Trump is such a dumbfuck moron that truly world-beating dumbfuck morons want to be near him so they can seem intelligent by comparison[edit]

    World-beating dumbfuck morons gather to bask in the glow of Donald J. Trump's unparalleled dumbfuckery.

    Museum of Laughter is the Best Medicine[edit]

    Medical mirth from the New England Journal of Medicine (With thanks to User:Tryptofish):

    Mediastinal Emphysema after a Sax Orgy

    To the Editor: We recently cared for a 24-year-old man admitted to the emergency room with symptoms of substernal chest discomfort, breathlessness, difficulty swallowing, and change in speech. The patient stated that he had been well until the evening before admission, when he first noticed these symptoms after three hours of vigorous saxophone playing.

    Museum of You Raise a Good Point[edit]

    From a 1990 (?) letter to The Straight Dope:

    Dear Cecil:

    In reading through your column "Vegetarians Go Ape," I noticed an unusual fact that you seemed to expose with great confidence. You stated that "Jane Goodall established more than twenty years ago that wild chimpanzees kill other animals once in a while and eat the meat with relish." I question the accuracy of this. Where would wild chimpanzees obtain relish?

    — Guru Singh Khalsa, Los Angeles

    Note: In the source, this letter was labelled "There's one in every crowd."

    Museum of National Emergencies[edit]

    C'mon Donald, light my fire!
    From the article Reichstag Fire Decree:

    Seizing on the burning of the Reichstag building as the supposed opening salvo in a communist uprising, the Nazis were able to throw millions of Germans into a convulsion of fear at the threat of Communist terror ... Within hours of the fire, dozens of Communists had been thrown into jail. The next day, officials in the Prussian Ministry of the Interior, which was led by Hermann Göring, discussed ways to provide legal cover for the arrests. Ludwig Grauert, the chief of the Prussian state police, proposed an emergency presidential decree under Article 48 of the Weimar Constitution, which gave the president the power to take any measure necessary to protect public safety without the consent of the Reichstag.

    Enemas of the State[edit]

    Giving new meaning to the phrase "Stalinist purge":

    A 365-kilogram (805-pound) brass statue of a syringe enema bulb held aloft by three angels stands in front of the "Mashuk" spa in the settlement of Zheleznovodsk in Russia. It is the only known monument to the enema.

    Museum of John Stuart Mill[edit]

    As quoted by Cody Fenwick in "This 19th-century philosopher perfectly explained the phenomenon that keeps Trump fans so devoted to the disastrous president":

    So long as opinion is strongly rooted in the feelings, it gains rather than loses instability by having a preponderating weight of argument against it. For if it were accepted as a result of argument, the refutation of the argument might shake the solidity of the conviction; but when it rests solely on feeling, worse it fares in argumentative contest, the more persuaded adherents are that their feeling must have some deeper ground, which the arguments do not reach; and while the feeling remains, it is always throwing up fresh intrenchments of argument to repair any breach made in the old.

    Museum of Little Liar Working for the Big Liar[edit]

    Character counts, Matt!
    Headline: "Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker falsely claimed on his resume and on government documents that he was named an Academic All-American when he played football at the University of Iowa..."

    To what purpose then require [confirmation by] the Senate? ... It would be an excellent check upon a spirit of favoritism in the President, and would tend greatly to prevent the appointment of unfit characters ... He would be both ashamed and afraid to bring forward ... candidates who had no other merit than that of coming from the same State to which he particularly belonged, or of being in some way or other personally allied to him, or of possessing the necessary insignificance and pliancy to render them the obsequious instruments of his pleasure. – Hamilton

    Museum of Abrupt and Intrusive Visitors[edit]

    A Yuletide poem for the cognoscenti:

    The children were nestled
    All snug in their beds
    While visions of tamping irons
    Went through their heads.

    <Poet bows, acknowledges applause>

    Museum of Eloquence in the Age of Trump[edit]

    A recent message left on The Curator's talk page:
    Anti-American socialist vermin like you should have their balls cut off and forced down their throat.
    Commie fag — Preceding unsigned comment added by Pilesabuse (talkcontribs) 13:04, 23 December 2018 (UTC)

    Museum of History Repeats Itself[edit]

    The Teflon "Don" on his way to prison
    The man who sent him there

    Museum of Damsels in Distress[edit]

    From "CITY NEWS IN BRIEF", The Washington Post, September 12, 1915, p. 19:

    Blanks have been sent out by F. J. Brunner, member of the harbor squad of the police force, who has been instructing policemen and others in life-saving in the water, for a special series of contests in lifesaving to be held at the municipal bathing beach, near the Monument, September 15. The contests will be by teams, who must demonstrate the breaking of holds and the towing of supposedly drowning persons to safety by various methods. A feature of the contests will be the rescuing of women completely dressed.

    Museum of What Could Possibly Go Wrong? (Part 3)[edit]

    From an episode of the true-crime series Forensic Files:

    Ward and Diana Maracle were respected members of the community. Ward's Gas Bar, the Maracle's business – a gas station with a restaurant attached – had always been a prosperous business. At night, they also operated a check-cashing business out of their home.

    Museum of Behind Closed Doors[edit]

    From our surprisingly PG article on Leopold von Sacher-Masoch:

    On 9 December 1869, Sacher-Masoch and his mistress Baroness Fanny Pistor signed a contract making him her slave for a period of six months, with the stipulation that the Baroness wear furs as often as possible, especially when she was in a cruel mood.

    For further information, consult such sources as Tawdry Knickers and Other Unfortunate Ways to Be Remembered.

    Museum of Yale, eat your heart out![edit]

    Curator's note: This film, Mystery Street: Murder at Harvard (1950, dir. John Sturges – not his best by any means) is remarkable for having (a) no mysterious street, and (b) no murder at Harvard (though Harvard's "Dr. McAdoo" helps solve it). It does, however, feature Ricardo Montalban as (AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) "Detective Morales" of the Barnstable Police Department.
    The trailer [118] is well worth watching from the beginning. "Here, in this room, is the answer!", the narrator bellows as the young Montalban withdraws his arm from a birdcage where Elsa Lanchester, who chews up the scenery as a scheming landlady, has hidden the crucial clue. The "exciting scenes" filmed "in and around Harvard University" include – sorry, these aren't in the trailer – an impossible shot of a car pulling up to a vacant parking meter – in Harvard Square! – directly in front of Johnston Gate!! Then for several minutes "Detective Morales" and his partner, lugging a box of bones, seek in vain the "Department of Forensic Medicine", fashion-plate Harvard men misdirecting them first to Harvard Hall, then Sever, then Widener, then Austin. When they finally realize they're in entierly the wrong city, and head over to Harvard Medical School in Boston, as luck would have it there's parking available right there on Longwood Avenue as well.
    Historical note: In the brief shot at 0m30s, Montalban is chasing the bad guy along the platform of Trinity Place Station into the Boston and Albany Railroad's Back Bay railyard, which is now the site of the Prudential Center.

    Museum of Unfortunate Cognates[edit]

    Lies-IMG 7967.jpg
    At right, an image from our article on Proselytism. ("Lies!" is German for "Read!"):




    Curator's note: My favorite cognate is "Gift". Do not ever offer a German visitor a gift ("Here, have some tea. I have a little gift for you") because "Gift" is German for "poison".

    Museum of Duty and Remembrance[edit]

    "American Marines in Belleau Wood" (Georges Scott, 1918)
    Americans who died at Belleau Wood are buried at nearby Aisne-Marne American Cemetery.

    Bone-spur sufferer Donald Trump did not attend the ceremonies at Belleau Wood marking the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I, because it was raining. Oh wait! He also didn't attend Veterans Day ceremonies at Arlington National Cemetery. Too busy tweeting, no doubt.


    LioneldeJerseyHarvard InUniformStanding.png
    KennethO'GormanHarvard InUniform.jpg


    Visitors to the Museum are asked to take a moment to read the story of Lionel de Jersey Harvard (left) and his younger brother Kenneth O'Gorman Harvard (right).



    Bonus fact: Trump is so stupid that he confuses the Baltics with the Balkans. His wife, of course, was born in Slovenia but in fairness it's possible there was no return address on the crate she came in. Not that he knows where Slovenia is anyway.

    Museum of Unexpected Citations[edit]

    Principal investigators of the Desperate Housewives Research Institute
    A citation added by one of our finest editors, David Eppstein, to our article on Rounding:

    Isaiah Lankham, Bruno Nachtergaele, Desperate Housewives (season 5): Linear Algebra as an Introduction to Abstract Mathematics. World Scientific, Singapur 2016, ISBN 978-981-4730-35-8, S. 186.

    Museum of Misplaced Modifiers[edit]

    From the article Richard Feynman (with thanks to Atsme):

    He noted that Feynman's eccentricities included a refusal to brush his teeth, which he advised others not to do on national television.

    In other news ...[edit]

    From the article Hugo Black:

    Shortly after Black's appointment to the Supreme Court, Ray Sprigle of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette wrote a series of articles revealing Black's involvement in the Klan, for which he won a Pulitzer Prize.

    Wrong side of the law[edit]

    From "Killer Night Out", an episode of the true-crime series The Lake Erie Murders:

    Facing assault and murder charges in Pennsylvania, the D.A. comes to an agreement.

    Department of Departures from Professional Decorum[edit]

    From "Trail of Fear", another episode of The Lake Erie Murders (which desperately needs a good script editor):

    Despite being found partially nude, the pathologist finds no evidence of sexual assault.

    Museum of Learned Hand[edit]

    From a 1944 speech:

    Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women; when it dies there, no constitution, no law, no court can save it; no constitution, no law, no court can even do much to help it ... What is this liberty that must lie in the hearts of men and women? It is not the ruthless, the unbridled will; it is not the freedom to do as one likes. That is the denial of liberty and leads straight to its overthrow. A society in which men recognize no check on their freedom soon becomes a society where freedom is the possession of only a savage few — as we have learned to our sorrow. ... The spirit of liberty is the spirit which is not too sure that it is right; the spirit of liberty is the spirit which seeks to understand the minds of other men and women; the spirit of liberty is the spirit which weighs their interests alongside its own without bias; the spirit of liberty remembers that not even a sparrow falls to earth unheeded ...

    Museum of Stable Geniuses[edit]

    A story for our times...

    A priest, a college student, and Donald Trump are in a small plane flying through a storm. Suddenly the pilot rushes from the cockpit. "We're going down," he cries, "and we only have three parachutes!" He puts on a parachute and jumps out.

    Donald Trump says, "Well, I'm a stable genius so I must be saved!" He grabs a parachute and jumps.

    The priest turns to the college student. "Young man," he says, "I've had a long life and am ready to meet my maker. Please, take the last parachute and save yourself."

    The college student says, "Don't sweat it, Father. The stable genius jumped out with my backpack."

    The stable genius has friends[edit]

    The anatomically confused edit summary to a recent edit to my talk page [119]:

    You are a fucking faggot. Kill yourself you stupid cunt.

    Vote November 6.

    Museum of Jobs With Unusual Duties[edit]

    From an episode of the true-crime program 48 Hours. An old murder case has taken a surprising turn when an evidence swab appears to have semen belonging to a San Diego Police Department crime-lab technician. But attorneys defending the technician have an explanation ...

    Defense attorney 1: The swab itself was put to dry in the open air ...

    Defense attorney 2: ... without a cap ...

    Defense attorney 1: ... on a table near where [the technician] worked. Everything that was able to be airborne could have gone and touched that swab.

    Interviewer: The problem, though, with this case is, seems to me, that the allegation is that this isn't sweat or spit – it's his semen. How would his semen get on a swab?

    Defense attorney 2: You can still have cross-contamination of semen because they had to have fresh samples of semen in the San Diego lab.

    Interviewer (voiceover): At the time of [the] murder, criminalists would often bring their own seminal fluid to the lab and use it to ensure the chemicals used to detect semen were working correctly.

    Museum of First Things First[edit]

    The capsule summary for an episode of the television program Call 911:

    "Wisconsin Standoff" Reality. (2009) A 15-hour standoff with a man who will only negotiate during commercials.

    Museum of Logical Names[edit]

    From a recent television news report:

    All passengers are safe this morning after a plane landed in a lagoon in the tiny nation of Micronesia.

    Museum of An Illiterate Assisted by Incompetents[edit]

    The precise and exact wording of a tweet posted September 24, 2018 by the Idiot-in-Chief, regarding the rough patch recently hit by his Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavenaugh:

    The Democrats are working hard to destroy a wonderful man, and a man who has the potential to be one of our greatest Supreme Court Justices ever, with an array of False Acquisitions the likes of which have never been seen before!

    Followup: The Idiot All on his Own[edit]

    From the Idiot-in-Chief's remarks at the 2017 Values Voter Summit. The teleprompter text read: "They sacrifice every day for the future of their children."

    We see this spirit in the men and women who selflessly enlist in our armed forces and, really, who go out and risk their lives for God and for country. And we see it in the mothers and the fathers who get up at the crack of dawn; they work two jobs and sometimes three jobs. They sacrifice every day for the furniture and – future of their children.

    Tip: next time try reading the speech at least once in advance before you have to deliver it. Idiot.

    Museum of So Then What's the Point?[edit]

    Caption on video clip in our fine article on Le Pétomane, "the French flatulist (professional farter)":

    Le Pétomane du Moulin Rouge, 1900 (silent film clip)

    Museum of Not Exactly Employee of the Month[edit]

    From Raymond Chandler:

    Chandler was by 1931 a highly paid vice president of the Dabney Oil Syndicate, but his alcoholism, absenteeism, promiscuity with female employees, and threatened suicides contributed to his dismissal a year later.

    Museum of Modern Times[edit]

    Things were simpler in the old days